


If you remembered me, you'd hate me too

by Snakenamedworm



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Clarke Griffin, Blackouts, Car Accidents, Depression, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, Flashbacks, Lesbian Character, Memory Loss, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-05-20 13:04:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14895140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snakenamedworm/pseuds/Snakenamedworm
Summary: It'd been over a year since then. Since she’d seen the woman she loved lying battered and comatose in the hospital bed.When she’d woken from it, her family had told Lexa first-hand the damage the accident she’d caused had done to the blonde – and then told her to stay the fuck away.She did. Because when blue eyes had opened from her coma, she remembered nothing.Not her family.Not her friends.Not Lexa.Not herself.She’d forgotten everything. Including the reason she remembered nothing, all being down to the woman she still lay atop of having tripped and knocking them both to the floor.Lexa had erased her entire life and in essence, killed Clarke Griffin.“Cl…” Thankfully before she can stupidly say Clarke's name out loud and confuse the poor woman, she passes out.Well fuck.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, 
> 
> I know for some people there is a worry as they read for what it is Lexa did. But have trust in me and I promise you it's not as bad as you think. Trust guys... trust ;)
> 
> Hope you enjoy, I am going for the angst effect in this story but it will be clexa endgame :) 
> 
> Please bear with me as I am no doctor or psychiatrist so things may not always be accurate. 
> 
> Anyways, let me know what you think so I know if it's worth continuing on here.

**Present - 9th July 2017**

The bartender finishes pouring the double whiskey she didn’t even need to be asked for and reaches out to pass it to the brunette in front of her. As she watches the brunette lazily reach for the glass, she pulls it back last second, just out of reach whilst cocking her brow. 

“If I told you, drinking this much hasn’t and never will solve your problems. Would you listen and call it a night?” The knowing look on her face gives away the fact she already knows the answer without asking, but she still tries. 

“No, I’d tell you I’m a piece of shit that deserves to live with every one of them” The smile that follows the words is anything but happy and sincere. 

It doesn’t matter how many times the bartender hears the solemn-looking brunette speak in such words about herself, she detects the truth in them every time. 

What could one person have done so bad that it drove them to such hate and disregard for their own life? Surely this woman who had quietly sat and drank glass after glass every day for the past year wasn’t capable of acts that would cause for such self-destruction. She didn’t look evil, or cruel, she just looked ... utterly broken. The dark blondes features soften just a fraction as she looks to the brunette. 

“Look” She places her elbows on the bar, one hand still holding the drink to lean over so she’s eye level. “I know I’ve said it before and I know I don’t know what happened, but….” 

“Anya” She cuts the woman off, sparing a dangerous glance to the taller woman before it falls back to the glass of whiskey she’s still waiting on. She doesn’t want to hear the usual ‘whatever it is, isn’t worth punishing yourself this way over’ – ‘We all make mistakes’ – ‘you need to find a way to forgive yourself’ or the worst one ‘You’re not a bad person’. It brings a vile taste to her mouth and makes her stomach churn to its very pit when she hears words spoken with the intention of comfort and sympathy towards her. 

Not a single person who had ever said such words to her knew what she’d done, the damage and pain she had single handily caused. And those that did know her, those that knew what she’d done. They’d feel just as sick as she did if they ever knew of people trying to sooth the woman who had ruined all their lives. Who’d killed their daughter, their friend, the love of her life.

She was a murderer. 

Knowing it really wasn’t her place to attempt and even begin to comfort the broken woman. Anya slides the whiskey to her awaiting customer before dipping her head and raising her hands in the air to let her know the message is loud and clear. They weren’t friends, she doubted the woman even had any since all of her days were spent here. She was just a very regular customer who’d become a familiar face over the past year. Still, she couldn’t help but want to occasionally comfort the brunette after spending so long behind the bar serving and watching her. 

Slender fingers wrap around the glass, catching it before it slips off the counter. She doesn’t react as the liquid sloshes over the top slightly from having been suddenly halted from its forward motion, wetting the skin between her thumb and finger in the process. She gazes worthlessly at the liquid as she lifts the glass stopping just short of her lips. “Stop trying to keep coming that shit with me”  
Her voice comes out just barely above a whisper as she struggles to keep her words from cracking under the guilt that sits heavily in her chest. 

“My demons don’t deserve to be freed or pardoned.” She takes a generous mouthful of her drink, not even flinching as the burn slithers down her throat. “I desire them living inside me, where the only person they can harm and destroy is the one who created and birthed them.” A disgusted laugh escapes her lips at the thought of her next words and how true they are. 

“I’m a fucking monster”

The last word is slightly muffled as the glass is placed between her lips and the rest of its contents are sent down the hatch in one aching guzzle. 

People are so wrong. She doesn’t drink to forget or vanquish her demons. No. She drinks to do just the opposite. Alcohol is a depressant and that’s the only thing she cares to feel. Not that she isn’t already deeply depressed without alcohol, but she wants to simmer in the dark, empty room that is her head. Lock the door, sealing it so the liquid she fills herself with has no way to escape until it begins to rise and fill the room, passing her waist and chest. It’s at the moment she’s left unable to catch her breath, spluttering and choking on the liquid as she drowns. Her gasps of helplessness tasting of guilt, shame, and disgust that she reaches the despair she deserves to sink in. 

This is why she drinks. 

To submit to her guilt and anguish completely, she wants to feel every part of it. She doesn’t deserve even a second where she forgets. Not one. The whole reason she comes here, to this bar, is to ensure she never does. 

How could she ever forget when she sits in the very four walls it happened in. 

She deserves this. To sit on the very stool that takes her back to that day, so she can relive it over and over. Never will she allow herself a moment of blissful peace where she may under the smallest of circumstances take a moment to just forget. 

She’ll live today, and every other day the same way she’s been doing for the past year. Purposely trapping herself in a cycle she can’t and doesn’t want to escape from. 

She’ll sit and drink until the bell rings as the door opens to alert of an entering or leaving customer. Every time she hears this, she’ll instantly fall right back to that day, when the same bell had alerted her to someone entering the same door.

She’ll close her eyes and picture the look of pain etched on the face of the woman who had unexpectedly walked in that day, allowing the memory to blister onto the back of her eyelids. The heartbreak and anguish she had turned to see on the blonde’s flawless face. It’s not an image she ever has to worry about misremembering. She’s had it linger and burn there so many times it’s long since left a permanent scar in the shape of the woman and her broken face. 

Once she’s relived that certain moment enough times for the day and enough alcohol is in her system that she’s finally reached that stage of drowning, she’ll walk out of the door ready to face the next flashback. 

Here she’ll sit at the curb beside the road before eventually making her way to the middle of it, not giving a thought to any cars that may come. Her knees will sink to the concrete floor and this is mostly the point her tears will start to fall whilst she replays the few final moments before she completely lost the woman she loved.

At some point, she’ll stumble back to her ho …. apartment. It stopped being a home when she lost the very presence that made it one. The same sight will great her as she walks through the door, items belonging to a woman she’ll never stop loving loitering around the place. She neither has the sentiment to move them nor does she deserve to, they are here to remind her, remind her of what she lost – and remind her they do. So much so that they never fail to suck the oxygen from her lungs, draining them until she becomes breathless. 

The pictures that still line the walls and shelves of a woman who was no longer hers will stare back and remind her of just who’s innocent life she’d destroyed. She’ll look back too, straight into the eyes of the blonde woman who’s image lives on the still pictures. Her throat only getting tighter as she feels every pound of her heart as it drums against her chest in a rhythm that screams ‘your fault’ ‘your fault’ ‘your fault’. 

She’ll ignore every despairing attempt of her body as it screams for her to take deep breaths, so it can refill her starved lungs. Instead, she ensures her breaths are short and shallow in order to further the panic attack she always sinks into. Never once taking her eyes off the photos around her, telling herself she never will and never did deserve such a perfect and loving human. 

After neglecting herself of oxygen for as long as she possibly can, her body takes over and her mouth parts without her permission and begins the process of filling her body with a substance that only goes wasted on such a worthless person as herself. After a few minutes, her breathing will ease off and she’ll hate that breathing once again comes so easy to her and make her way to her bed. The same bed that was theirs.

Most of the night will be spent laying whilst staring at the ceiling as every moment she can recall with the blonde filters through her head until eventually, she falls to sleep. Her sleep will never consist of more than a few hours before she’s woken up in sweats and tears by her own screams. Always screaming the same name, a name she never says otherwise. She doesn’t merit the right to speak it ever again. But in her sleep, she can’t control it, can’t stop herself screaming it, just like she’d done the day she lost her.

It’s all exactly what she deserves. 

So, she slides her empty glass over to Anya who has come to learn means ‘another’ and gets ready for what’s to come. She has a night of guilt, heartbreak and tears waiting for her - and it can’t come soon enough.

……… 

Four whiskeys into the evening and Lexa’s lost deep into the last moments she’d had with the blonde, the moments that left her emotionally crippled and utterly demolished the other woman. The innocent one in all this. 

**30th April 2016.**

“Clarke!” She watches the blonde storm out the bar and she can’t stop herself giving chase. “Please, I can’t lose you, please let me explain” She continues to follow the stumbling woman out the bar, tears already flooding her face as she pleads with the woman whose heart she’d broke. Clarke pays her no mind and continues to stomp towards the street, every bit of anger showing in her movements regardless of the drunken state she was in. 

“Clarke!” She doesn’t care how desperate she sounds and how it only increases with each step the blonde takes. “I’m so sorry” Another step. “I don’t, I don’t know why …” And fuck she just needed her to stop. She needed her to listen. This couldn’t be the end. “Please .. I FUCKING LOVE YOU!” 

Too caught up in her desperate plea, she doesn’t notice as the woman suddenly halts to a stop until it’s too late and she’s colliding straight into the back of her. Despite the disorientation due to the alcohol in her system, the shorter woman doesn’t so much as budge an inch from the body that collides into her. Lexa may as well have walked into a brick a wall as her teeth snap shut, sinking into her lip in the process. 

She doesn’t have time to pay any mind to the coppery substance that begins to pour out of the freshly formed gash as the blonde whips around to face her. Lexa subconsciously takes a step back as she sees the look on the other woman’s face. She’s fucking furious. Her brows scowled and her features void of any of its usual softness as she looks up to the brunette just a few inches taller than herself. 

If Lexa sees Clarke quickly glimpse to her bleeding lip, her face dipping to that of concern for the briefest moment. She doesn’t get to linger on it before she’s interrupted by her ex’s voice. 

“Don’t!” She seethes through gritted teeth whilst getting into the brunette’s face. “Don’t you ever, ever say that to me.” Lexa can smell the whiskey on her breath from the close proximity and knows it’s by far more than one she’d consumed. “You don’t …” The blonde's voice wavers as she takes a step back. Lexa watches with a pained face as she takes in a breath to gain composure. “You don’t get to say that me” The tears spilling from blue eyes now matching Lexa’s own. “Not after what you did”. 

Lexa feels her chest tighten as fresh tears fall at the last words. All she wants at this moment is to fix the broken heart in front of her, pick every shard up with her bare hands not caring how many pieces she cut herself on, but when she opens her mouth to speak. Nothing comes, because what could she possibly say when she herself was the one who’d ripped that heart from the chest it belonged to and smashed it over and over. And right here in front of her, stood in the form of a battered and worn-down shell of a woman, was the aftermath of her actions. 

She watches lips she’d probably never get the chance to kiss again begin to tremble. The same ocean blue eyes that she’d spent the last 2 years waking up to, fade from black to a dull grey as anger is replaced with nothing short of despair and betrayal. Small bags under them giving away the fact that sleep had been sparse and the redness surrounding them showing just how many tears had been shed, even before she arrived and created more. Soft golden hair she’d run her fingers through hundreds of times to gently waken the woman now unkempt and greasy. 

The sight hits her like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind right out of her and suddenly her chest burns – because this hurt like nothing Lexa had ever felt before. It hurts so much so, her eyes shut to protect themselves from the view before her, unable to physically take in any more of the pain plastered on the woman’s face. 

What has she done? 

How could she have done this? 

The woman who had done nothing but love and cherish her for the past 2 years. Who spent her time doing nothing but caring and loving her. Always putting Lexa first. A smile always plastered on her precious face, love gleaming from her soft, warm eyes whenever she caught sight of the brunette. 

Never had she seen the woman she loves look so …. Broken. And never did she think she’d be on the receiving end of it, having been the cause of every moment of it. 

She’d done this. 

She’d destroyed everything. 

Even now, here she was causing her more pain through her own fucking selfishness in her need to give chase to Clarke the moment she’d seen her. She hadn’t even given a thought to how it would affect the woman who’d already told her she needed time. She’d only thought of herself and how it’d been two heart-wrenching weeks since she’d seen her, so the moment she had, she’d lost all control, desperate with the need to talk and be near to her. 

God, she had to make this right. She couldn’t do anything about already being the cause of her pain, but she’d do whatever it took to not be the cause of more. It didn’t matter if it meant never seeing Clarke again if that’s what it took and what the blonde truly wanted – she’d do it. It didn’t stop the thought of this sending an emptiness ricocheting through her that shook her to the core though. 

She shook the thought away best she could, she wouldn’t make it about her any longer. She had to deal with the consequences of her mistakes and the first step was to stop being a damn coward and look her broken lover in the eye. Face the storm she’d created in them and drown in its waves. 

As heavy eyelids reluctantly open, heart pounding, ready to meet and accept her doing, she finds herself feeling at a mixture of relief and anger, relief by the fact Clarke is no longer standing in front of her, sparing her of having to look into those mutilated eyes for a few more precious moments. And anger, for having felt relieved in the first place. She hates herself for thinking it. Yet again too wrapped up in her own fucking selfish thoughts to even notice the woman that had begun to stumble off again. She looks over to see her staggering down the road, and she knows she’d just told herself she’d stay away at the request of the woman – who had made it perfectly clear she didn’t want Lexa there, but she couldn’t leave her roaming the streets, not like this. 

She makes it as far as the curb before she stops to watch the woman who’s still swaying carelessly down the road. If the situation had been anything other than what it was, Lexa knows she’d have an endearing smile on her face watching the shorter woman’s antics. The way she tries her best to angrily stomp but failing as the alcohol in her encourages her legs to take on a mind of their own. 

A few choice words falling from intoxicated lips as she tells her “stupid damn jelly straws” to behave. Clarke had never been the biggest user of curse words or sentences that were meant for the effect of insult, she was too pure and sweet for any sort of negative or hurtful words and actions. Its one of the many reasons Lexa lov… NO .. she fights the urge to allow herself this moment to get lost in the million reasons she loves Clarke Griffin. Clarke was right, she doesn’t get to do that, not right now. 

Just as she goes to start walking after her, a sound grabs her attention and causes her to look past the blonde. 

Her heart stops. 

A car. 

The driver doesn’t even appear to have noticed, too busy looking down at his stereo. 

Fuck. 

She takes a desperate look to the blonde only to see in horror she wasn’t paying attention either, still walking and grumbling to her stupid fucking jelly straws. 

Why’s she still stood here watching in silence, what’s wrong with her - DO SOMETHING LEXA!! 

“CLARKE!!!!” If she hadn’t of felt the name tear through her throat herself, Lexa would question if it had even been her to call it. Never had she heard her voice so fucking petrified. 

Clarke herself notices this as she doesn’t ignore Lexa as she’d done earlier and instantly turns around to look back at the brunette. Lexa watches as a face with light brows raised with panic, eyes widened with worry and a mouth open ready to ask what’s wrong turn to face her. 

She’s so fucking stupid! Why had she only called the woman’s name, why hadn’t she told her the car was coming or to get out the road. Now she was facing the wrong way. 

Clarke.. turn around!! PLEASE!! 

But the words don’t come, Lexa’s throat is filled with nothing but bile and she can’t seem to gurgle the words past it. 

Upon seeing no cause for concern or reason for such a scream coming from the brunette, whatever worry she did have is instantly replaced with anger again. Anger for stupidly, temporarily feeling any sort of concern for the taller woman. 

“Just fuck off and leave me alone!” 

Lexa doesn’t. Neither does she pay mind to the curse word that had been spat through fuming lips like venom. Instead, an infuriated blonde watches in shock as Lexa begins to sprint towards her. 

The next few instants go down in seconds, but it’s these seconds that are both the longest of her life and what will haunt Lexa for the rest of it. 

The car horn goes off as the driver finally looks up and notices the figure stood too close and too central for any chance of swerving around. Lexa’s whole body nearly collapses as she watches the realisation dawn on Clarke's face. 

Clarke. 

The woman she loves more than anything. 

The woman she can’t live without. 

The woman only in this situation because of her. 

Please god no not like this. 

She can feel every ounce of blood as it drains from every inch of her body, rushing to her chest to stop her heart from failing. She ignores the weakness it brings to her limbs and pushes them faster, a sensation of pins and needles everywhere as her body switches to autopilot. A sob chokes out as she looks into those blue eyes that are no longer filled with anger, but with fear, knowing and love? Lexa knows the other woman doesn’t even need to turn around to know what is about to happen. 

Her heart absolutely decimates in her chest, the debris tearing her up from the inside as the thought of Clarke knowing there was no stopping this, slams through her. 

Lexa has the same look mirrored on her own face, the car was too close to the both of them for either to make it out unharmed. 

Clarke doesn’t take her eyes off her. 

“Lexa” 

The faintness of the word does little to hide the terror as Clarke raises an outstretched hand to Lexa, her foot lifting in attempts to take a step closer. 

And even after everything she had done to her, here she was, reaching out to her. Lexa couldn’t be sure if it was because in what she thought to be her last moments, she just wanted Lexa because regardless of everything she still loved her or if it was because regardless of the hurt Lexa had caused she was the only one here that the terrified blonde could reach out to for comfort. 

She honestly didn’t know which thought hurt more, how did she ever at a time think she could be the one worthy of loving such a woman. 

Regardless of the reason, it does give Lexa the last burst of adrenaline to reach the blonde on time. She can’t stop the impact, it’s too late. But she can do her best to protect her from it. 

Her life wasn’t worth living without Clarke anyway. 

The second she’s within arms reach, tanned arms shoot out and yank the blonde towards her, spinning them around in the process so Lexa’s back now faces the oncoming vehicle. She’d be lying if she said at this moment she couldn’t breathe a little easier. 

The timing doesn’t come a moment too soon. 

And in what could be the final seconds for the both of them, Lexa knows not everything she does is purely based on the safety of her love. 

Pulling the woman flush against her chest to shield her against the on-coming vehicle. 

Safety 

Cradling the blondes head between the crevasse of her neck, placing a hand behind her head to protect it from a fall. 

Safety. 

Nuzzling her own head to the side of it. 

Selfish. 

Wrapping her arm around a trembling waist in hopes it will stop the woman from being vaulted away from her in impact. 

Safety 

Allowing herself to bask in the feeling of finally having the woman she hasn’t touched for two weeks back in her arms. 

Selfish. 

And even knowing this last moment she didn’t deserve, wasn’t worthy of, she still finds herself leaning her lips to Clarke's ear, and with tears soaking her face, she finds her voice just in time to croak out between breathless sobs “I’m so s-sorry, I lo.” 

She never gets the chance to finish. 

The car slams into them, and all Lexa feels is a hot, searing pain rip through her body. Her feet leave the ground instantly as they are thrown into the air. The pain only intensifies and just like that - she loses the strength to keep a grip on the woman in her arms. She screams her lover's name as she sees a flash of blonde be flung away from her. 

Lexa hits the ground so hard she feels as the bones shatter inside her. As she begins to dip in and out of consciousness, she finds her thoughts filled with nothing but the voice of Clarke and the memories they’d shared. 

_She watches as the blonde walks towards her, a smile plastered on her sunny face. The same smile doesn’t falter as she trips on from what Lexa can see … nothing. She lands ungracefully at the brunette's feet but proceeds to look up at her, eyes squinting from the sun. ”I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go on a date with me?” Lexa absolutely beams down at the woman - As if she was ever going to say no._

As Lexa opens her eyes, her mind is hazy and confused still mixed in with the distant memory and as she looks to the mangled body sprawled over the road she smiles and rasps out “I was going to ask you the same thing” 

Everything falls away again. 

_Her heart melts as she looks down at the sleepy woman laying with her head on her chest. Naked, sweat-sheened bodies tangled up in twisted limbs. “you make me so happy” She whispers placing a chaste kiss to the blonde’s temple. This elates a content sigh from the shorter woman who looks up at her with a smile and gleaming blue eyes that held the sky itself. The smile on her face suddenly turning shy as her cheeks redden. Fingers tapping on the brunette’s chest in an attempt to ease her nerves. “I think I’m in love with you”. Lexa feels her chest well up at Clarke's confession. She felt the same way, so she didn’t even have to consider her next words “I love y..”_

Sirens? 

No there wasn’t sirens, there was never sirens. That’s not what happened. And voices? Where are the voices coming from? They were alone. She can’t even make out what they are saying but she wants them to go. Is she underwater? It sounds like she is. Why can’t she open her eyes? She wants to look at the awaiting blonde on her chest and tell her she loves her too. She intends to do just that, but her eyes are cemented shut and suddenly she’s slipping under again. 

_A deafening shriek erupts from Clarke's mouth as she giggles at the mercy of Lexa’s long fingers poking into her ribs. “Say it” smiles Lexa with a fiendish grin on her face from where she sits straddled on the blonde, pinning her to the bed. The shorter woman shakes her head, laughing too much to get any actual words out._

_After a few moments of relentless tickling though she relents and manages to gasp out an ok. Lexa stops her movements to allow the woman beneath her to talk._

_“I’ll say it” She tries and fails to give the brunette a stubborn pout. Lexa just cocks her eyebrow indicating for the blonde to go on._

_A playful huff and an eye roll for good measure. “I am the cutest bundle of fluff ever” She crosses her arms over her chest scowling at the taller woman._

_“And?” Lexa places her fingers to Clarke's side again._

_“AndyouarethebestgirlfriendintheworldandIloveyou” She rushes out before Lexa has the chance to resume her movements._

_“Aww baby, I love you too” She speaks as though she hadn’t just forced her girlfriend into saying the words. Clarke notices the way her smile pulls further up her face and her eyes widen._

_“No Lexa I said it please no more, you promised!” Her voice betrays her as she already starts laughing in anticipation._

_“I know you did” She kisses her nose. “But I really” A kiss to the head. “Really” A kiss to her cheek. ” Love your laugh” Lexa misses the last kiss in fear of being headbutted as the other woman starts to wriggle uncontrollably beneath her from being tickled again._

_Limbs thrash and hips buck in a desperate attempt to throw the woman above off. “Lex!” She squeals. “I can’t breathe” Lexa had fallen for this before, actually believing she was nearly accidentally suffocating her girlfriend of air, only for the blonde to lunge and reverse the attack the second she’d got off her._

_She shrieks even louder as Lexa doesn’t lay up, “I can’t brea…”_

“She’s not breathing!” 

Lexa’s eyes open. She’s met by an equally shocked paramedic leaning over her, but she pays them no mind. She doesn’t even pay mind to her body that feels like it’s on fire, pain seeping through every bone and muscle. Her head feeling the same as she imagines constantly getting hit with a metal baseball bat would feel. 

_She didn’t gain consciousness for the concern of her own life._

__

“We don’t have a pulse we need to move her now!!” 

Clarke. 

Entirely fuelled by a force beyond her explanation, Lexa lifts herself to a seating position. She doesn’t even hear the paramedic frantically telling her to remain where she was. She looks over the shoulder of the body obstructing her view and it takes her a second to realise the scream that follows belongs to her. 

Her best friend and lover, lying dead on the ground, paramedics frantically trying to perform CPR. Hair bloodstained and red messily brushed out of her face, so the oxygen mask can be placed over her mouth and nose. 

She frantically attempts to stand and make her way over to the blonde, but her body is broken and nothing works, and all Lexa can do is cry as she screams out the name of the woman she’d killed. 

As she feels herself slip back into oblivion a moment late, her last thoughts are how she wishes more than anything she doesn’t come to again, because Clarke was her fucking world and without her. There was nothing. 

Let me go instead. 

The next time she’s woken up, it’s by the beeping of machines. She completely breaks down.  
Why? 

Why was she the one still here? She was scum and she didn’t deserve the second chance at life that awaited her. 

That’s the moment she promised herself and the woman she’d killed, that If she had to live it, she’d make sure she spent every second of it suffering and living in the pain she had caused everyone. 

………………

**Present**

Brrinnng

The sound of the door opening echoes in Lexa’s ears. The sound causes Lexa to jump straight into the day it all started. Two weeks before the accident. The day she broke Clarkes heart 

The day that started everything.

_The last voice Lexa was expecting to hear once the door chimed that day was the voice of her girlfriend as she uttered the single word .._

“Fuck!” 

Wait, what? 

A crash soon follows and before Lexa can react to hearing a voice she’d never forget and get her head around what’s happening, she’s being tackled to the floor. 

“Ooooft” Escapes from the brunette’s mouth, as the elbow from the body falling atop of her sinks straight into her stomach, thumping the air right out of her. 

Once her body has settled, firmly trapped between the floor and the woman above her, Lexa turns her head to look down at the blonde tresses, covering the head that’s currently face first between her breasts.

“Imf som sorrf, ow my god” Comes from the woman lifting her head out of Lexa’s cleavage. 

She looks up into forest green eyes and Lexa feels sick. 

“Are you ok?” She asks, voice coated with concern. 

Of course, even this version of her would be this fucking adoringly clumsy and considerate. She needs to leave. Now. 

She can’t move, her body feels as though it’s been pulled into the floor by an unbearably strong force. 

What kind of sickening fate would ever bring this situation to fruition? 

Lexa needs to be sick.

She doesn’t know, she doesn’t remember. If she did, there’s no way on earth she’d still be laying atop of her, patiently waiting to hear if the stranger beneath her was ok. Because right now she can only imagine what she looks like to the woman still straddling her, pale, like she’d just seen a ghost. 

She is. 

The face staring back at her the same woman who’d been resuscitated in the ambulance on the way to the hospital un be known to Lexa when she’d first woken up. 

It'd been over a year since then. Since she’d seen the woman she loved lying battered and comatose in the hospital bed.

When she’d woken from it, her family had told Lexa first-hand the damage the accident she’d caused had done to the blonde – and then told her to stay the fuck away. 

She did. Because when blue eyes had opened from her coma, she remembered nothing.

Not her family. 

Not her friends.

Not Lexa. 

Not herself. 

She’d forgotten everything. Including the reason she remembered nothing, all being down to the woman she still lay atop of having tripped and knocking them both to the floor.

Lexa had erased her entire life and in essence, killed Clarke Griffin. 

“Cl…” Thankfully before she can stupidly say Clarke's name out loud and confuse the poor woman, she passes out. 

Well fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out how our fave couple met and also continue on from where the last chapter left off. 
> 
> It will eventually get better for Lexa guys I can assure you that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey 
> 
>  
> 
> Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint, 
> 
> I can't express how much your comments and kudos keep me motivated. They kicked my ass into gear into starting this chapter nearly immediately so yeah.
> 
> Let me know what you think and remember, have trust.

**3rd February 2012**

Lexa’s late.

She’d spent most of the night arguing back and forth over trivial things with Costia. It’s all they ever did and just like every other time, it ended in the two resolving it with sex. It’s how they worked. Lexa knew it wasn’t the healthiest of arrangements, they both did, but they’d both had fucked up pasts and understood what the other needed and didn’t need. It was simple in that aspect, so it was hard not to fall back into each other night after night. 

Her legs carried her down the busy streets of Polis, weaving through the crowd, in a desperate attempt to be at a time that could be classified as ‘acceptably late’. That’s a thing, right? 

If only her and Costia had called it quits and made up at a reasonable time, they both knew Lexa had work the next day. Just like they knew the night would have ended how it did. They just simply enjoyed giving each the run around too much. 

“Sweetie watch out” 

“OOF” 

Lexa doesn’t know the how’s and why’s, but one minute she’s innocently running to get to work with a bright, long future ahead of her - and the next, she’s watching her life flash before her eyes as she braces herself to impact the concrete below her. 

She’s too young to go like this. 

She’d still never been in love. Never been on holiday. Never done anything on her to do before I die list. 

It takes her a few moments into her dramatic thoughts for her to realise, she had in fact finished falling. Only she finds herself laying on something much softer than she’d prepared herself for. She peeks one eye open, the other instantly shooting open along with it the moment she sees the sight awaiting her. 

Well fuck. 

If anyone were to ever ask Lexa in that moment, which would have knocked the air from her lungs more. Opening her eyes to be greeted by the most mesmerising shade of blue she’d ever seen or crashing to a solid, concrete pavement. Her answer would easily be blue, god yes blue. 

The sky. That’s what shade they are. On the brightest and warmest day. A day that not a cloud’s in sight and you look up and see nothing but an endless horizon of blue. She can’t look away. It doesn’t help that they are looking right back at her, all wide and beady-eyed from what she can only guess is shock. Her eyes trail down to the woman’s lips as they begin to move but she doesn’t hear a word. 

“Huh” Lexa can only imagine how spaced out she sounds right now. 

“I said, are you ok” Comes a quiet raspy voice.

_Get with it Lexa._

She shakes her head to snap herself out of whatever appears to be going on with her. “I…er...ye... YES!” She practically shouts the last word as she forces the word out in an attempt to stop herself babbling like an idiot. 

She pulls her eyes away from the woman’s lips, scanning her face, only to land right back at her blue hues again. “Wow” Her eyes widen as she realises that not only did the word slip into her head but she also just said it out loud. 

_What the fuck are you doing? Who stares longingly into a stranger’s eyes whilst lying on top of them?_

_Who mumbles like a fucking idiot? Who says wow whilst looking at their beautiful fucking face!_

_Fuck, Lexa you may as well go all in with making yourself look an absolute creep by asking her for her address and work schedule._

“Wow?” Comes a whispered response. If Lexa can feel warm breath brushing against her cheek at the spoken word, she does her best to ignore it. 

Before Lexa has the chance to embarrass herself further, a strong pair of hands are helping to lift her off the woman. She frowns as she feels herself missing warmth she hadn’t realised she felt. Once she’s stood she glances to see the man then proceed to pick up the blonde too. 

“Thanks dad” Even her voice is incredible. 

Wait.

_Dad?! Ow god he probably only lifted me off her as he’s just been watching me drool over his daughter._

_Pull yourself together._

_This is not who Lexa fucking Woods is._

He turns to look at her and she fucking panics.

“Ar …” He doesn’t even finish the first word before Lexa’s panic gets the best of her, cutting him off instantly. 

“I am so sorry sir, I didn’t mean wow over your daughter’s incredibly attractive features” 

_Ow god Lexa what are you doing?_

“Not that I mean I find her attractive or anything”

_Ow god kill me now. Goodbye Lexa._

“Wait...I don’t mean she’s unattractive either” She turns to the blonde frantically. “You’re really not” She looks back to the father again. “I just mean…” She looks between the two of them like a deer caught in headlights, her face feeling like a furnace, she’s almost certain it shows on her face too. 

_Lexa!! Just go. Dear god save everyone from this unholy experience._

“Please excuse me” She swallows thickly. “I think I must have hit my head and appear to have lost all sense of dignity and self-respect” She scurries off in the direction she was originally heading. 

_That’s right Lexa, you run off with your tail between your legs. You have both disappointed and failed me._

Lexa rolls her eyes at her own thoughts.

“I hit my head?” She says out loud to herself. “Attractive facial features?” She face palms herself. “God Lexa you have no chill” 

Lexa continues to question every word and action that transpired in those 3 minutes until she finds herself entering the safety of her workplace. She wastes no time in grabbing her black apron out her shoulder bag before tossing the bag under the counter and throwing it on.

“You’re late” She turns to see Lincoln walk from out the back with a fresh box of coffee beans. 

“Sorry Linc, rough start to the day, I’ll stay on for ten” She replies grabbing a cloth eager to get started. She needs something to take away the feeling of uselessness after the incident. 

“Costia?” He asks as though he already knows the answer. 

He was all too familiar with Costia and their ‘arrangement’. He was the only family Lexa had left after she lost Gustus and Indra. He was Indra’s nephew and Lexa’s Cousin. They had adopted Lexa when she was younger and finally got her out the care system. She was 16 when they had died so Lincoln had moved into the house to take care of her. She moved out when she turned 18, moving into the apartment they had brought for her ready for when she turned 18. 

Lexa neither had the heart to stay in the family home longer than she had to or to sell it when it was turned over to her at 18. So, she allowed Lincoln to remain there. She knew he’d take care of it

She gave him a simple nod before taking off on to the floor. 

…………………

Twenty minutes later, Lexa is cleaning down one of the now vacant stations. She hears people come and go but pays them no mind, after looking up every time the door went when she’d first started, she soon realised how busy the place could be and put a stop to the habit very quickly. The café had quickly become one of the more popular spots in Polis, given its nature. 

It was still the usual place where people could go for coffee, cakes and pastry’s, but what makes it different and more desirable for some individuals is how the place is also set out as an art studio. Separate stations set out with its own table and art supplies which for a monthly fee, people are free to use at their disposal. It was based on the 5th floor of the building, with floor to ceiling windows all over to help give the artists inspiration or subjects to paint or draw etc. 

She wipes over all the paint tubes erasing them of paint-stained fingerprints, placing all the used equipment into a plastic basket ready to be taken into the back room to be washed as she does so. 

“Welcome to Expresso your Picasso, how can I help” She hears the usual greeting coming from Lincoln as she makes her way to the back with the equipment she’d gathered. 

She places the stuff on the side. “Load on the side for you Nyko” He gives her a nod as she grabs a new cloth and heads back n to the floor. 

“Ahh perfect timing, Lexa could you come here please” 

Lexa does a u-turn and heads towards Lincoln. She doesn’t even make it 2 feet before she abruptly stops.

Not again. 

As if the day hadn’t punished her enough. In front of her stood none other than the blonde and her father. The fact the other woman looks just as surprised and embarrassed as she is does nothing to calm her rising heartbeat. She chances a glance at Lincoln, hoping that somehow, he’d see the desperation on her face and call someone else over. He doesn’t. Instead, he tilts his head beckoning her to hurry up. What are the chances of the floor forming a wormhole and swallowing her up? 

She takes a deep breath and proceeds to walk over to the trio. She had to do this whether she likes it or not. Sure enough and sooner than she’d have liked, Lexa finds herself stood before the 3 people waiting for her. 

“This is Lexa, she will show you around and make sure you have everything you need. Lexa this is Mr. Griffin and his daughter Miss Griffin. They’re now new members so I’ll leave them in your capable hands.” He turns his head back to face them. “If there is anything you need at all please do not hesitate to ask” He offers them a kind smile that they return along with a ‘Thank you’ before turning and leaving. 

Her eyes linger on his retreating figure as she watches him, still in hope he will catch on to her inner turmoil. She feels as that same hope dies right before her as he starts a conversation with one of the other staff. She swallows again, trying to rid herself of the none existent lump in her throat as she turns her attention to the father and daughter.

“Follow me please” She has a job to do regardless of how embarrassed she is right now. 

She tries her best to keep her eyes focused on anything but the blonde woman, she knows it’s her best chance of keeping a professional face. She really does try, but as she sees the woman come up beside her, her gaze drifts over. Her eyes do a quick once-over of the woman and she can’t stop herself from noticing the perfect cleavage that the v neck t-shirt gives her breasts. 

It’s only then she realises the shorter woman is actually looking at her as she’s not so subtly ogling at her breasts. 

She turns her head away too fast to catch the amusement on the blonde’s face. 

“So…erm…welcome to Exposing your Picasso’s” The colour immediately drains from her face. Ow god, she didn’t. Please no. 

She looks to her left to see Mr. Griffin looking curiously around the room having missed the whole exchange. Please let her have missed it too. She looks over and this time she doesn’t miss the blush filled smirk. She blushes too. 

So busted. 

She clears her throat. _God Lexa you fucking idiot._

Lexa continues with her head towards the floor until they reach the area where there are a number of vacant stations. “Do you have a preference of which side of the building you’d like to be on for view purposes?” She doesn’t look up. 

“If it’s possible, I’d like to be on the side that overlooks the park please” A pause. “I like to paint nature” Lexa can only offer a nod in reply as she swallows yet another lump in her throat. What is it with this woman? 

She takes them over to a station based directly in front of one of the windows facing the park.

“Ok, so this is station six, all the more commonly used items are already set out for you, but if there is anything else you may need there is a menu with all the equipment we have available.” She picks up a menu indicating which one. “There’s also a menu for drinks and pastries.” She picks up the second menu to show them. 

“Canvases, drawing pads or anything else you may need or want to paint or draw on come at a separate cost from the rest of the equipment we provide, but all those are placed on the back page of the items menu.” She keeps her focus on Mr. Griffin as much as possible to avoid killing the professional streak she appears to have pulled out the bag. 

“If there is anything you require please do let me or any of the other floor staff know and we will do our best to accommodate your needs” She looks over to the blonde for just a second. “Are there any questions either of you has?” 

“No” Lexa doesn’t know if its disappointment or relief she feels when it’s the oldest of the Griffins who answers her. “I think that’s perfect, thank you so much. The place is wonderful, I’m sure we’ll enjoy it here greatly” He gives a toothy smile, his words nothing other than genuine.

“That’s great, is there anything I can get you whilst you set up? Drink?” She asks more confidently, happy that she’s nearly made it through the ordeal. 

“No thank you, we’ll get started first” He replies still with the same smile. 

“No problem just let us know” She finds his smile infectious and manages one of her own back. “Finally, do you have your own materials to draw or paint on or would you like me to sort something out from the back?”

“No thank you” She looks to the woman who has decided to answer this time. “We actually just picked some stuff up. It’s where we were heading when…” She stops short as she realises she’s about to bring up an awkward situation for the two of them. 

Lexa pretends to clear her throat, doing her best not to blush. “Ok...th...that’s great. Well, Mr and Miss Griffin, I will leave you to get started. Again, please ask should you need anything.” 

“Jake” The man interrupts. “Please call me Jake” He holds his hand out and she instantly meets it in a firm handshake.

“Of course” She pulls her hand back. “Thank you, Jake.” She watches him turn to his daughter.

The blonde doesn’t notice. She just looks at Lexa, seemingly in her own world. It takes her father’s nudge to pull her from her thoughts and realise what’s going on. 

“Ow right, god I’m so sorry, Clarke, call me Clarke.” She holds out her hand. 

Fuck!! 

Lexa instantly realises it’s the woman’s left hand being held out. It wouldn’t be so much of a big deal if she hadn’t of spent the past five minutes with her left hand clamped shut. 

It’s so sweaty. What does she do?? She can’t just pretend she can’t see the offered hand it’s right in front of her, waiting for her sweaty, slimy hand in greeting. 

_Think Lexa._

Just like that, she finds herself panicking again.

_Just do what any normal person would do in this situation._

She wraps her arms around the woman and hugs her. WAIT.

_What the fuck are you doing, any normal person would have wiped their hands?!?! Lexa, she’s your fucking customer, she’s already caught you staring at her breasts and had you practically tell her to expose them and now you are wrapping her in your arms like you’re about to kiss her goodnight after a successful date._

They’re going to call the police. Her life is over, she should have died that morning when she was taken out by the blonde. It would have been the kindest thing to do.

She finds herself too scared to pull away, the awkward moment of seeing the other wo… Clarke's face. Even her name is good, and her perfume, she smells so goo… _LEXA!! Let the fucking woman go._

She abruptly pulls herself back, not daring to look at either of them.

“Right so that’s everything, I’ll be around if you need me, enjoy.” She finishes the last of the sentence already turning away. She practically sprints to the back room where she hides out by washing the equipment she’d taken in earlier, much to Nykos delight. 

She’s never experienced anything more mortifying in her life, she can only hope she doesn’t end the day in a cell and the Griffins change their mind and don’t bother coming back. 

They do. And Lexa falls right back into the habit of checking the door every time it opens. 

She also comes to learn just as quickly that somehow, the two of them, always find each other. There was no escaping Clarke Griffin and it’s something that becomes both a blessing and a curse.  
…………………………………………….

**Present - Sixth of July 2017**

“Miss are you ok?” 

_That voice._

_It sounds so familiar. More than familiar, it sounds like home._

_Clarke._

_That’s who home is._

“Miss, can you hear me?” 

_God, she loves Clarke._

_She’s missed her voice so much, she’s missed her._

_She hasn’t heard it since the Cr…. Wait, crash. Clarke?!_

Her eyes open and she can’t stop the déjà vu that sweeps through her. Once again, she finds herself caught up in those captivating blue eyes. 

But so much had happened since that first time around.

“Ow, thank god you’re awake” A sigh of relief follows. “I thought I’d really hurt you. I mean I have, but you’re awake which is great.” Lexa watches in silence as blue eyes scan over her face. “I am so sorry. Are you ok?” 

Five years had happened, and in that time love, heartbreak and tragedy had transpired between the two. Five years in which it’d taken less than four of them, for Lexa to destroy them both. 

As Lexa continues to look back at the woman, apparently still too in shock to do anything else, she swears that for just a second, blue eyes look to her with the slightest bit of recognition in them. Only that couldn’t be, could it? 

“Can you hear me? What’s your name?”

Well, there’s her answer. 

She needs to be sick. 

It's then she realises she’s pinned underneath the other woman. Her arms extended either side of Lexa so her top half is hovering over her, but their legs still tangled up in each other.

“Ge...ff...me” She watches as Clarke does nothing but look at her with confusion, clearly unable to understand her.

She doesn’t manage to ask again. Her mouth already filling with bile and her breathing causing her to feel like she’s suffocating. She places her hands against the blonde’s chest and as gently as she’s able to, though still desperate, she pushes her back. To her relief, her ex-lover catches on quickly and starts to scramble off Lexa, apologising as she realises the brunette’s earlier words were for her to get off. 

Lexa sways to her feet and hurriedly makes her way to the toilets, it takes longer than she’s able to hold in. She catches the first few drops of vomit in her hands as she throws them over her mouth, cupping them firmly. She doesn’t even bother closing the door behind her as she finally reaches the toilets and proceeds to throw her guts up. 

The liquid burns her throat as it rises from the pit of her stomach and into her mouth. She struggles to get a breath in between wretches, and honestly, she doesn’t know if the tears that start to fall, are from the heaving, or knowing Clarke is in the other room. Probably both. 

Just as her stomach begins to settle and the vomiting comes to a stop, she feels a hand being placed on her back. 

Please no.

“It’s ok, I’ve got you” comes the soothing voice. 

Why? 

Clarke is the last person who should be here trying to make Lexa feel better.

“St…” Lexa’s plea for the woman to stop is cut short as her stomach begins to kick up a storm again. This time more violently than before, and within seconds of feeling Clarke's hand to her back, she’s practically projectile vomiting into the toilet. 

She doesn’t feel the acid burning her insides through the next few minutes as she did the first time around of being sick. All she can feel is the hand that’s began rubbing her back gently. The touch burns more than the stomach acid ever could. 

Finally, her body runs out of anything else to bring back up, so after a few dry heaves, it comes to a stop again. Her body, however, is still completely frozen up from the hand she can still feel. 

“Here, take this water” Lexa finally feels the hand move from her back. A burn that scorches through her clothing left in its wake. She hears the glass as it’s picked up and placed in her peripheral. 

“I can recognise a puke face anywhere, so I grabbed you some water from the bar before I came in.” 

Everything in her screams to not accept the water, to just get up and go. But she feels weak and needs a moment to let her stomach finish settling. Besides, Clarke had already gone through the effort of getting it for her. Not to mention, she really needs rid of the sickness and acid taste that’s coated her mouth. 

She reaches out her hand, not missing the way it’s trembling, but she manages to take hold of it. She nearly drops the glass as she takes hold of it from the very top, ensuring their hands don’t come into contact, the grip so flimsy that it begins to slip from her grasp. She quickly adjusts herself just in time to halt the blonde who had noticed and reached out to take hold of it again. 

Placing the glass to her dried lips, she uses the first few sips to swirl out her mouth, spitting it back out into the toilet. Then using what’s left to drink and flush away any lingering substance out her mouth and throat. 

“Here take these too.” She watches as hands just a little smaller than her own pull out a few wipes from a pack. 

It appears the habit of always carrying wipes with her to clean away potential paint stains had stayed with her. She wonders for a second if the other woman still paints as she accepts the wipes, giving her hands and face a brief clean before dropping them into the toilet. 

She flushes it before placing her still shaking hands on the sides of the cubicle, using it to pull herself to her feet. She can hear the woman behind her do the same thing, though she’s sure her movements will be much smoother and less shaken than her own. Her whole body nothing more than jelly. 

It hadn’t even occurred to her until now, whilst she still stood with her back to the blonde, too scared to look in her direction. That she faces the task of not only having to get by the woman and leave but to do so with as little communication as possible and definitely without passing out again. 

“Hey” Comes a gentle coax from behind her. Lexa’s aware she still hasn’t said a word to the woman who’s currently helping her. “Are you feeling any better?” 

She can’t do this. 

She turns around, ensuring to keep her eyes on the floor and begins to stagger her way past the blonde, using anything she can to steady her as she does. 

“Wait” She ignores the woman’s plea and presses forward.

If Anya asks her if she’s ok as she walks by the bar, she doesn’t acknowledge it. Too focused on keeping herself upright, she just needs to leave, right now. 

_Why’s she come here? What’s she doing in this part of town alone?_

She bursts out the door and starts walking off down the sidewalk, her hand trailing across the side of the building to help her balance. 

“Wait, please!” 

Lexa does.

Not because Clarke asked her to, but because she’s hit with another dose of déjà vu as it instantly takes her back to the last time they were together. Only this time, it was Clarke yelling for Lexa to stop and she didn’t even know who the brunette was anymore. 

She sinks to the floor. 

“Ow my god, are you ok?!” 

How is she supposed to do this? 

She can’t breathe again, it’s something Lexa faced frequently. She’d be hit with panic attacks and shortness of breath on a daily basis, but this one’s different. Usually, Lexa allows the attack to consume her, do what she can to fall into it longer, but she can’t do that here. Not in front of Clarke. So she tries to breathe through it, and it makes everything worse. All it does is increase the desperation in her breathing, her body kicking in as it realises she’s actually trying to breathe her way through this one. Panic kicks in tenfold as every mouth full of air hits an invisible wall. 

She watches as Clarke drops down in front of her, two hands, still as soft and warm as she remembers are placed on either side of her cheeks. Her head is lifted upwards, but she keeps her focus on anything other than blue eyes.

She hears a muffles sound as though listening from underwater, her eyes find themselves on a pair of pink lips as she realises Clarke is talking to her. She can’t understand her. 

A hand is removed from her cheek and she watches as it takes hold of her right hand. Fingers overlap but she doesn’t have the strength to pull away. It’s guided until it’s placed firmly against the shorter woman’s chest. She can tell the breathing becomes exaggerating as the chest under her palm begins to rise and fall in slow and steady movements. 

Without even realising, she finds her own breathing begin to match the rhythm of the one she’s focused on, subconsciously falling back into sync with the woman she once knew more than anyone. 

“That’s it, you’re doing great. In...” They both inhale deeply. “…and out” She exhales with her. 

Another minute later and Lexa finally catches her breath. 

“Look at me” 

Lexa hates that she finds herself obeying. 

_How have I made it this far without you?_

“It’s ok, you’re safe” The words are spoken so softly, accompanied with a warm smile. 

_Because you deserve every day of it, that’s how. It’s your punishment for what you did._

It's then that Lexa looks down to realise where her hand is still placed, and how Clarkes is still placed firmly on the top of it. God, she’s so far from ok. She snatches her hand back so fast, to anyone else it’d look though she’d been burned. It causes the blonde to frown in confusion for a moment before a smile slips back into place. 

“Are you ok?” A piece of blonde hair is tucked behind a small, pale ear. “I really am sorry for earlier. I’ve come to learn I’m pretty clumsy on my feet.” Two hands begin to fumble together. “Erm…can I get you to a hospital?” 

No. 

Lexa doesn’t like where this is going, so she doesn’t answer and again stands to her feet.

_Damn these stupid fucking… Jelly straws._

The blonde appears to catch on to the taller woman’s plan, so, much faster than Lexa she stands too and blocks her path. 

“Please. You can barely walk, and you really don’t look so good” 

Lexa quickly learns, she’s not shaking her off by continuing to just attempt walking away. She feels trapped, she knows she can’t get a hold of her emotions, not whilst they are in the same proximity. The whole world is against her. 

_I don’t deserve your help. Look at me, why can’t you see who I am!! Please just see me, see me so you can realise what I am and walk away._

“Please” 

The way she sees Clarke freeze lets her know she accidentally just said the last word out loud. 

“I mean I…I just…need to get home” There is little she can do to prevent the way her voice comes out so small. She tries again, knowing she has to get Clarke to leave. “I’ll be ok” Lie. 

“Ok” 

She can hear the concern and hesitation in the single word, but she can’t think of that now. She feels her heart settle a beat or two as Clarke finally agrees to let her go. She uses the opportunity to step forward and begin the short walk home, but as she starts, she’s stopped immediately by a hand gently placing its way to her arm. 

“But I’m walking you” 

Of course, this would happen. Somethings never change, and her Ex has never been anything other than stubborn. 

“No” 

She surprises them both by how quick and final the word comes out. 

“Yes” 

_Should have seen that coming._

“Look I get it, you’re a loner, right?” This time it’s Lexa’s turn to be shocked by Clarke. 

“Most people meet friends for coffee or food at this time, not sit at a bar alone.” She points towards the bar as though to prove a point. “Anyway, I’m guessing you’re one of those I’m too proud to accept help people. Especially from a random blonde stranger who came in and practically threw themselves into your cleavage right?” They both blush at the last comment. 

“Again, I’m really sorry for that, but I’m not leaving you to go home by yourself. I’ve watched you pass out on the floor, throw up enough vomit to fill an Olympic sized pool, have a panic attack and watched you stumble everywhere you’ve walked. It’s clear you are on the verge of passing out for the second time.” She runs her hand through blonde locks and takes a breath before continuing. 

“Quite frankly, I’m petrified I just gave you a concussion or something and really think you should go to the hospital, but it’s clear you’re too stubborn too and I can’t force you” She holds out her hand to Lexa. “So, hi, I’m Clarke and when it comes to stubborn, you just met your match. So, unless you have changed your mind and will let me get you to a hospital, I suggest you turn around and let me help you by walking you home.” 

_Well, this is new._

Lexa finds herself absolutely speechless. She really has just been scolded like a toddler by the younger woman. 

What could she really say to that? Anything she did say would only lead into a back and forth dispute between them. 

She ignores the hand still help out for her to shake and settles for a nod whilst releasing a sigh filled with defeat. Proceeding in the direction of her home, with an apparently still and even more so than before, stubborn Clarke in tow. 

“So, do you live far?” 

Of course.

She was always going to make conversation, why wouldn’t she? It was just Lexa’s luck.

Lexa is filled with a feeling of dread as she worries the next 25 minutes will be spent with Clarke trying to make small talk, she always did hate silences. Saying that though, the woman she once knew, though stubborn, would have never spoken to her, let alone who she believes to be a stranger with such finality and confidence.

_You don’t know who she is anymore. Stop acting like you do._

One thing she does know though is she needs to spend the next 25 minutes acting as ok as she can. The last thing she needs is the woman changing her mind and dragging her to a hospital. She squeezes her fists together and takes the biggest breath she’s capable of to calm herself before answering. 

“If I say no, will it get you to change your mind and let me walk myself?” As luck would have it, Lexa’s leg chooses that moment to shake a little harder, her leg giving out beneath her as it does. 

Clarke immediately reaches for her, catching her with two steady arms before Lexa can fall. She then gives Lexa a stern and knowing look “No, it wouldn’t.” She places Lexa’s arm over her shoulders, taking hold of her wrist to keep her arm there. Then she places her other arm around Lexa’s waist. “Nice try though”

Lexa’s entire body ignites as every part of her pressed against Clarke scolds her. She goes rigid and becomes deadweight in the blonde’s arms. Her chest starts to grow tighter and she feels another panic attack coming.

 _Fight it. Lexa, please. Just 25 minutes. We only have to make it 25 minutes._

“What’s wrong?” She tightens her grip on the brunette to keep her up. “Fuck you need a hospital”

The last words are just enough to allow Lexa to kick herself back into gear. 

There is absolutely no way she could go to the hospital, Abby likely still worked there and she’s almost certain, she’d be the first person Clarke would ask for. She can’t do that, not to Clarke or Abby. She’s put them through enough. 

“No” She stands herself up as straight as she can manage. Her height overtaking Clarkes. “No, my leg, I just had pins and needles. It’s gone now.” Not only does she start to walk as to prove a point, but she does so without the aid of Clarke as she untangles their limbs. 

“It’s a 25-minute walk, it’s not far” It’s evident to the both of them that her body is still quaking, but she’s able to walk without having to lean or be held up so its enough for the two of them to proceed without any arguments. 

“So, what were you doing at the bar alone? It seems pretty quiet there, I’m surprised it’s still going.” Lexa catches the woman pulling the sleeves of her top over her hands. 

She’s nervous. 

_No. Fuck Lexa stop already. You don’t know her anymore._

She doesn’t, it may have been a habit Clarke had before she erased everything from her, but she doesn’t know this one, it could mean anything. More importantly, still, Clarke doesn’t know her, and it needed to stay that way. 

A sinking feeling leaves her chest hollow as she realises what it truly meant that Clarke didn’t recognise her, even after a year had passed. The pictures, the paintings, everything, Abby and everyone else must have rid of them all. No one had even told Clarke about Lexa, or if they had, then they’d made sure to never show her who Lexa was. 

But why would they? What would they say? We’re sorry you’ve had all your life and memories destroyed, but here's someone you might like to remember. The one who did it, the one who broke your heart, the one whose fault this all is. The woman you loved and in return completely ruined you.

Of course, they didn’t tell her. 

She doesn’t blame them either but fuck it hurt, it hurt so much. 

It’s a different world to Clarke now, a world that Lexa isn’t apart of, but Lexa can’t say the same. She knows if she were to look to her right, she’ll still see her world, the woman she’ll never stop loving, her fucking life, but if Clarke were to look to her left. She’ll see no one, a stranger, a ‘loner’, a person she’ll go home tonight and forget all about. There was nothing special about Lexa to Clarke anymore. 

_It’s for the best._

Lexa doesn’t get around to answering the question and to her surprise, the blonde doesn’t push or ask anything further. They spend the rest of the way in silence, Clarke occasionally having to steady Lexa but for the most part, allows her to walk by herself. There’s not a moment she doesn’t feel a watchful gaze of blue eyes on her though. Right up to the point they find themselves at Lexa’s garden gate. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?” Clarke gives one final attempt and honestly, Lexa isn’t at all surprised. 

“No, I...I’m fine” Is all Lexa can manage. 

“Ok,” She hesitates. “Well I guess I should get going, I’m sorry again, just you know... just in case I did hurt you.” She looks down to the floor and Lexa can’t help but wonder why the sudden change in behavior again. “You should rest and avoid alcohol or strong painkillers for at least the next 24 hours” 

“I will” Another lie. She opens her garden gate and steps onto the path. 

“Is there someone you live with who could help keep an eye on you?”

No. 

“Yes” She really doesn’t like how easily the lies continue to come, but she can sense Clarke is hesitant to leave her. “I do. Like I said, I’ll be ok” She starts to walk again, hoping she sounds convincing enough for Clarke to finally leave. 

Lexa reaches her front door, waiting until she can hear the footsteps of Clarke walking away before putting her hand on the door handle. As she goes to pull down the handle she stops. She can’t believe she hadn’t even thought about this before now. 

“Wait!” She runs back down her path nearly keeling over more than once, she steps out the gate to see Clarke had heard her and paused. She turns to Lexa. 

“What’s wrong?” She takes a few steps towards Lexa and once again she finds herself looking directly back into blue eyes. 

She feels her lungs going again. 

“Tell me…” She stops to steady her breathing. “Tell me you aren’t going back there again?” She doesn’t care how she probably sounds like a maniac at this moment, chasing a woman who believes her to be nothing more than a stranger to ask such a question. 

Clarke looks taken aback by her sudden outburst after spending the majority of their time in silence. 

“No, I...I’m going to head home, nothing like knocking somebody unconscious to put you off on a night out right” She tries to pass it off as a joke, but Lexa can see the truth behind the words. 

She exhales a sigh of relief. “Good, you...you should really avoid that place, it’s a pretty rough side of town, the place has some shady people who go there. It’s not really a safe place to be”

_I also watched you nearly die there and I’m terrified of you going back. I couldn’t live if something happened to you again._

Clarke gives her a peculiar look. “Don’t you go there by yourself?” 

Lexa nods. 

“Yes” _But there is not one person in that bar who is worse than me._ “You’re not from around these parts though, you should really avoid it.” 

Clarke only has time to nod in response before Lexa turns around, and this time doesn’t stop until she’s in the house. 

She breaks. 

She clutches her chest as her legs finally cave in below her as she sinks to the floor. There’s no stopping the tears that begin to fall. She holds her breath as her panic attack sets in. Her throat throbbing the longer she holds off her breathing until as usual, her body eventually takes over and starts sucking in the air she doesn’t want.

The reality of the past 40 minutes hits her like a brick wall, it slams into every inch of her body and Lexa doesn’t know what to do. Every day has been the same for the past year. She has a routine of how her days play out and it’s one she has come to accept, tears, guilt, pain and all. 

But this, Lexa hadn’t expected. Never did she think she’d be faced with those blue eyes again. 

Drink. She needs her drink. She attempts to lift herself off the floor, but she crashes back down again moments later. She resorts to getting on her hands and knees, crawling her way to the kitchen. The wooden floor makes it for an uncomfortable journey, the firm surface digging into her knees through the thin fabric of her trousers, but she doesn’t care. As she reaches the cupboard, she yanks the door open and pulls out the first bottle she can reach. She doesn’t even care which one. 

It takes her a few attempts to open it. Desperate, uncoordinated hands sloppily failing to grip it correctly, but she gets there, and the moment she does, she presses the bottle to her lips and drinks it like it’s the very air she needs to live. 

So maybe she drinks to get through the day after all. 

After taking back enough of the bottle to calm her the slightest, she looks down to see she’d picked JD. Good choice. She rests her head back on to the kitchen cupboard, only to catch a glimpse of a familiar blue hoodie slumped over the arm of her sofa. 

She puts the bottle down by the side of her and crawls her way over to the hoodie before making her way back the same way again. 

She holds the hoodie to her face and the moment she feels the familiar fabric against her cheek, a guttural sob erupts from her throat. “I’m so sorry” She cries the words into the hoodie that she presses harder to her face. It’s long since lost the smell of the woman to whom it belonged to, but it didn’t matter. It was still Clarke's hoodie. 

“It should have been me, I never meant for this to happen, I’m sorry.” 

She takes back more whiskey before lifting her head to look out the window where she looks to the sky. 

“I DID EVERYTHING I SAID I WOULD!!” She slams the side of her fist to the floor. “I STAYED AWAY!!” Another sob follows, along with an endless stream of tears. “I SWORE IF SHE LIVED, I’D SPEND EVERYDAY PAYING FOR WHAT I DID, THAT I’D DO WHATEVER IT TOOK.” Her throat begins to swell from straining so hard through her cries and screams. 

“I’m paying” She looks away and back at the hoodie. “I live with it every day, I won’t forget what I did, but please” She covers her face with the hoodie and muffles the last few words into it. “Please don’t let our paths cross again, I can’t hurt her no more, please don’t let me.” 

She doesn’t know at what point she stopped crying and begging into the hoodie, or when she stopped drinking. She only knows that when she wakes up that night screaming Clarke's name after another nightmare. She’s still lying on the kitchen floor with the hoodie held tightly to her chest and an empty bottle of JD next to her. 

And god does she deserve this. 

She can only hope that Clarke had listened to her and never goes back to that bar again


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next one. 
> 
> I got a little carried away so its just under 12k. 
> 
> There is another flashback in this one and there will be in chapters to come too. 
> 
> Has anyone else gone as far as having this couple tattooed to them? 
> 
> Raise your hands if so. *Raises hand*
> 
> Anyway. Feel free to let me know what you think :)

**15th July 2017 (6 days after meeting Clarke again)**

It’s Saturday night, Lexa’s least favourite day of the week. The usually quiet bar becoming somewhat of a mosh pit as the towns finest all come together for a weekend drink.

So maybe she’s slightly exaggerating. It wasn’t a mosh pit per say compared to bars she’d previously been to on a Saturday night, but it was the busiest night of the week and more than what Lexa is now used to. She does after all spend the majority of her life in her own company. 

“There you are” Lexa looks up to see Anya slipping behind the bar to start her shift. “I wasn’t here yesterday, but I haven’t seen you since you decided to take a nap on my bar floor, hope you washed when you got home by the way. Wouldn’t like to think the last time someone mopped that thing.” 

Lexa rolls her eyes but is saved from any further comments as a customer begins to slam their glass atop the bar, a small inkling told her he perhaps wanted a drink.

“Would it kill people to use some damn manners for a change, chill the fuck out Quint, and I swear to god if you break that glass, you’ll be sweeping it up with your damn tongue”

“How about you let my tongue..”

Lexa drowns the rest out. It’s not a conversation she neither wants or needs to hear. 

Anya wasn’t wrong though. Asides from yesterday, Lexa hadn’t been back to the bar since her run-in with Clarke. She’d been too scared that Clarke would return. She didn’t want to be here if she did, not to potentially give Clarke another opportunity to end up conversating with the woman she had no idea had done so many terrible things to her. 

Instead, she’d locked herself inside her apartment. With her routine broken, the only thing she could think to do was drink her way through the week courtesy of her alcohol cupboard.

She’d finished the last bottle off yesterday. She’d left the house for the first time in five days to stock up on more. It was on her way back, with her arms full of paper bags containing all her favourite bottles, that she found herself walking back to the bar again. She needed her routine back. 

Though her week had been a lot different to what she’d been accustomed to in a long time, some things remained the same. She’d still wake up every night to the same nightmare, cried endless of tears whilst clutching the same blue hoodie or looking at an old photo. She’d still played back every moment of pain and heartbreak whilst sat in the darkness of the walls that were once a place she called home. 

She also hadn’t stopped thinking about her run-in with an unforgettable pair of blue eyes. Needless to say, she’d been a mess. 

“So,” Anya leans over to her without warning having finished serving her customer, Lexa watches as she takes away her glass. She hadn’t even realised it was empty. “I’ve been wondering. How is it you and blondie know each other?” She begins to fill the glass not needing to ask Lexa. 

The question completely takes Lexa by surprise, so much so, she’s able to do nothing but hang her mouth open for a few moments before she manages to talk. “Wh … How …?” Anya places the drink in front of her. She sips it eagerly, before placing it back down, but not taking her hands away from it, she has a feeling she’ll be picking it up again very shortly. “What are you talking about? We don’t know each other.” She realises how defensive she must sound to Anya so straightens her face to gain some composure back. “I don’t see how that’s your business anyway.”

Anya doesn’t even flinch at Lexa’s last words. The bar had all sorts of characters come and go, and Anya had thick skin and a sharp tongue to keep them in check. It really wasn’t a bar for the faint hearted, not many bartenders hacked the place for long. Anya loved it though, had done since she started just over a year ago. It was evident in the way she’d come to learn to have her own way of talking to each person. 

It had taken her a while to find a comfortable ground with Lexa, in fact, she still hadn’t found it being as the woman barely spoke. But after a while, she managed to get a conversation or two from her occasionally. She knew not to push the brunette though. As much as she’d like to know about the mysteries that clung to her presence, all she could do was offer a few words here and there. Today, however, she finds herself feeling it’s time to test a little light teasing. 

“Well, I just assumed you did. The rare occasion I’ve seen people approach you and never once have they caused you to hit the deck and abandon ship. Then when you didn’t come back, I thought maybe there was some history behind the two of you or something.” She wiggles her eyebrows at Lexa who scowls at her in return. “Well, that and…”

A wolf whistle behind them cuts Anya’s sentence short as she looks up. As she looks back at Lexa there’s a smirk laced on her lips. “Oh look, speaking of, here’s the blondie you claim not to know. Guess she’s here looking for you again.”

Lexa whips her head around to the door. She hadn’t even heard it ding open, but true to Anya’s word, there she is. 

Clarke. 

She’s yet to see Lexa as her head is looking in the direction of Quint’s table where the whistle had come from. 

“Wait” Her head snaps back to Anya as she lowers her head and begins to speak in a hushed voice, hoping it will somehow make her invisible to the blonde. “What do you mean looking for me again? Has she been back here?”

Anya only nods then begins to wipe away at something non-existent on her mouth looking down. Lexa manages to pick up on the way she coughs out a “She’s coming over” into her hand. 

“Did you tell her my name?” She rushes out. 

Anya seems taken aback by the question and just looks at her oddly.

“Anya! I need to know…did you tell her m..”

“Hey” 

_FUCK._

Lexa keeps her head facing forward but glances over from the corner of her eyes. Her stomach sinks as she watches Clarke take the seat next to her. Never until this point has Lexa ever been bothered by being known as the bar loner that nobody ever bothered or sat next to.

“How are-”

“Actually I was just leaving” Lexa doesn’t even bother attempting to finish her drink. It could easily be done in one go, but the sooner she leaves the better. 

Unsure if it’s due to spending the week shedding endless tears and drinking her way through the initial shock of seeing Clarke again, or down to an urgency to leave without giving Clarke a reason to follow her. Lexa finds herself momentarily grateful that she appears to have a little more control over herself. For now anyway. 

“But, wait. Can I just ask how you’re doing?” The disappointment in her voice scratches away at Lexa’s heart like sandpaper. She’d lost count of the times Clarke had asked her this, this side of the accident and before it. That’s all she’d ever wanted though, to know that Lexa was ok and do what she could to change it if it wasn’t the case. That’s how special she is. Apparently, this Clarke had similar motives too.

It nearly makes Lexa want to sit back down to apologise for constantly blowing the woman off, for now, 6 days ago and every other day she’d done it back then. Almost. It’s better she doesn’t. So, she ignores the question. 

Turning herself to face the opposite direction than what Clarke is, she slips off the stool ready to leave. She starts to walk off, making it just to the door before she hears something that stops her in her tracks. 

“Don’t worry hot stuff, I’ll keep you company, what can I get you?” 

_You’ve got to be fucking kidding me._

She turns back around, praying to anyone who may listen, that she won’t be greeted by the site of Quint trying it on with Clarke. 

As always, her prayers go unheard. 

She watches as the big burly man takes the space now unoccupied by Lexa, he leans closer offering a confident smile. 

Lexa holds back to watch, maybe if Clarke turns him down. _She really hopes she will_. Then Quint will take it on the chin and scurry off back to his table. The chances, if she goes by previous experience though, do not line in her favour. Quint was a regular for chatting up the ladies. Usually, it either resulted in a slap to the guys face or with him leaving early for the night with a woman Lexa instantly loses respect for under his arm. Tonight could be different though right? 

“I’m good thank you” She watches Clarke shuffle further to the edge of her seat away from Quint. 

_Take the fucking hint Quint, go._

He leans further. “But I could make you great” Lexa can’t believe he actually looks fucking pleased with his line. 

“No, I’m really ok, I just want a quiet drink”

Her eyes start desperately looking towards Anya, but she’s too busy with people ordering a line of shots to notice either Lexa or Clarke’s discomfort over the situation. She feels dread roll its way back through her chest. Why did this keep happening? She’s doing everything she can to keep their worlds separate, but every time she tries, shit like this happens.

Any reluctance she has about going over disappears as she watches Quint place his hand over as much of Clarke's backside as he’s able to with her still being seated. Clarke's entire body tenses in discomfort. 

Lexa sees red.

She doesn’t even know how it happens. One minute she’s stood near the door furious, the next she’s at the bar with Quint on the floor beneath her, her foot pinning his chest as her hands grip his twisted arm with his wrist being pushed down towards his inner arm.

“AHHH, what the fuck is your problem?”

“If I ever” She pushes his wrist a little further. “ever, see you touch her again, I’ll kill you my fucking self” The words are spat out around a vicious snarl as she bares her teeth. 

How fucking dare he touch Clarke that way when she’s sat alone and already clearly shown her discomfort. How dare he ignore her dismissal of his advances and talk to her like she’s just another trashy tart the bar is often filled with.

“Fuck off” he spits out, his face contorted with pain. “You didn’t even fucking want the bitch just, just don’t want anyone else to have her is that it? I always knew you were one of those types who liked control. It’s always the quiet ones. Too late now, bitch is mine.” 

Snap. 

“Ahhhhh shit!”

She hears a couple of Quint’s table stand, pushing their chairs back as though ready to fight. Ontari and Nia if her memory served her correct. 

“Knock it off, ALL OF YOU!” 

Unsurprisingly Anya’s words do nothing to calm the situation. Though the bar woman had a certain amount of respect from every customer here. It held nothing when it came to showdowns such as this. Lexa may have been brought up and still live on the wealthy side of town, but her younger years were always spent in the bad side of town from her and Costia’s days of rebelling. 

Lexa knew how it worked here in terms of respect. A show of dominance had to be asserted. For the most part, Lexa had that over most here, but Quint and the two who stand to his defence are relatively new to the place. They’ve only ever known Lexa as the quiet one who sits at the bar, they’d never seen her back in the days before. 

Still, lessons needed to be learned. Especially when it came to Clarke. 

Lexa takes hold of a second finger ready to snap, causing quint to hiss through clenched teeth as he prepares himself for another break. “Do I make myself clear?” 

It's at this moment Lexa notices the other two who have now walked over and stand within arm’s length of Quint. Giving his arm one last twist erupting a yell from the man, she lets his arm drop to the floor to free up her hands should they choose to attack her. Turning her attention to them, she holds her chin up high as she locks a steely gaze on them. 

“Does anyone else care to have a problem here?”

She’s still furious, her body wound up like a coiled spring ready to be let loose. She can’t help but feel a part of her has missed this, but it’s overwhelmed by her anger to the disrespect shown towards Clarke to think too much of it. 

“You damn right I have a problem, keep your hands off him, you have no idea who you’re dealing with girl.” Ontari takes a step closer towards Lexa in an attempt to intimidate her. 

“She’s off limit” Lexa states nodding her head backwards indicating Clarke who she can still feel behind her. 

Ontari scoffs. “If the silly bitch comes alone and to here of all places, she’s asking for trouble. This ain’t no damn bar for snowflakes who don’t know how to handle the advances of a single guy.”

Lexa grabs her by the scruff of her jacket so fast, Ontari has no time to react before she is pulled inches in front of Lexa’s face, standing on tiptoes as her weight is lifted. 

“I said she’s off limits, any move against her is against me” Her knuckles turn white as her grip on the stunned woman tightens. 

Ontari seems to compose herself a second before looking Lexa dead in the eye. 

“Why don’t we settle this outside?” Lexa can see the hesitation flicker through the other brunette’s eyes as she issues the challenge, but she has a whole table of people to ‘assert her dominance’ in front of. Go big or go home right? She keeps her face as straight as possible as she waits for Lexa to accept, though probably hoping she won’t.

“Enough” 

Lexa looks over Ontari’s shoulder to see Echo making her way over to them. She also notices Quint having found his feet again. Though standing much further away from her this time.

“Ontari, learn to pick your fights” She scolds. “This is not one you would come out victorious in.” Echo looks to Lexa. “I apologise, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you-“She seems to pause a moment to find the right words to describe the absence and behaviour of Lexa since Echo had last seen her in action. “Well anyway, I did not warn them.” 

“Pfft are you kidding me! I’ve seen her here plenty of times. She does nothing but drink and then stumble her drunk ass home, I can take her.”

Echo rolls her eyes at the woman’s nativity before casting a look at Lexa again. The both of them know Lexa’s more than capable of proving the woman wrong, they also know it’s the woman’s pride and need to impress her friends that spur her on to continue. She knows it’s a childish move on the younger woman’s behalf, but she also knows if she were to turn down the challenge out of knowing this alone. It left a show of weakness and does not get the message through that Clarke is to be left alone. 

The answer comes from a gentle hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t need to look to know it’s Clarke’s. “It’s ok, I’m ok. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. Let it go.” She urges though her tone is still nothing but soft. 

Lexa does instantly. The spring in her uncoils and she lowers the brunette to the floor, removing her grip as she does so. 

She shows weakness, but when it comes to strength, Clarke is a weakness she’d submit to over and over. The world be damned. 

Echo gives her a grateful nod which Lexa returns before watching the woman drag her people away and back to the table. She tunes out any words of disapproval and protests from them. Quint trailing behind them with a broken finger and ego. She’s not sure if to be surprised or not as he joins them back at the table, apparently ignoring the fact he has a broken bone that needs tending to. 

The hand on her shoulder seems to hesitate a moment before removing itself from its position. 

Fuck what has she done?

Clarke had just witnessed one of the most dangerous sides to Lexa, she’d just snapped a guy’s damn finger like it was nothing more than a Weetabix and proceeded to lift a woman off the floor with promises of a fucking street fight right in front of her. Clarke hadn’t even seen that side of her when they were together. She’d never even known how the Clarke she knew would have reacted to this side of her. How would the one who knew nothing about her other than she drank, passed out and apparently got in to bar fights act? 

She shouldn’t be here. This isn’t Clarke's world. Lexa certainly isn’t anymore.  
“I told you it wasn’t safe here, I told you not to come back” She doesn’t turn to look at Clarke as the words leave her lips. She doesn’t even have it in her to sound remotely angry at the woman who had ignored her warnings and shown up anyway. Instead, her words are filled with sadness and defeat.

What might have happened if she wasn’t here? 

“I know, I just - I couldn’t stop thinking about you” Lexa’s rendered speechless. 

She’d be lying if she said she doesn’t feel her heart both beat faster and stop still at the same time. Her head filling with dizziness and memories of the first time Clarke had ever told her those same words. 

 

********************************************************

**18th July 2012**

“Lexa, hi” Lexa looks over to the occupant of whom she knows the voice belongs to. 

“Clarke” She smiles at the woman having just entered the door. “How was your vacation?”

It’d been five months since their first embarrassing encounter, Clarke never did call the police on Lexa as she feared. They even turned up at the café a few days later. It was a slow and somewhat traumatising process for Lexa until the two finally got past their awkwardness.

In fact, the blonde-haired woman had come to be Lexa’s favourite customer and the overall highlight of her shifts when she was there. Clarke took to ensure it was only ever Lexa she called over if she needed any stock or top ups etc, and Lexa, like the ever-eager employer she was, willingly and happily obliged. Obviously for the sole purpose of doing her workplace proud and earning every penny of her paycheck. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact Clarke just happened to be the most talented and gorgeous woman she’d ever seen. 

Nope. 

Nothing at all, and if anyone thinks otherwise she should probably warn you, she knows how to hide bodies. 

Clarke had been away for a week with her family, it’d been the longest the two hadn’t spoken or seen each other since meeting. They haven’t ever traded numbers or gone as far as speaking outside the café. But it isn’t to say the two haven’t built up somewhat of a borderline friendship and they certainly enjoy each other’s company and presence when they’re together anyway, at least Lexa knows she does. 

“Yeah it was really good thank you, I’ve missed this place though” Lexa doesn’t miss the way Clarke's gaze is focused on her as she says it.

Maybe she’s overthinking it. Apparently, the time away from Clarke has gone to her head. She’s distracted from her thoughts as she notices one of the canvases begin to slip from Clarke’s grip. She rushes over quickly taking a few of the items off Clarke so she can maintain her grip on the canvases. 

“Come on, I’ll walk you over” Lexa gestures for Clarke to go before her. 

“Why thank you, Miss Woods, I must say the hospitality of the staff in this place is incredible” She grins teasingly.

“I’m glad you approve Miss Griffin, though I admit, I do find my motivation in the desire to keep you coming back for more” Lexa adds a wink in Clarke's direction.

Clarke say’s nothing, instead, she looks down at the floor shyly with a rosy blush illuminating her cheeks. Lexa can’t help but find it adorable. 

When they reach Clarke’s usual station, Lexa puts the items in her hand gently to the floor. She notices how Clarke still appears to be avoiding looking in her direction. 

Did she maybe say something to make the blonde uncomfortable? They’d flirted a lot more blatantly than that in the past, at least Lexa considered it flirting. God, what if It hadn’t been flirting at all? What if she was just being friendly this whole time? 

Even after Lexa had made such a fool of herself those months ago. 

The two of them work quietly together setting everything up for Clarke. It’s not something staff are required to do, but it’s something they’d both found themselves in the habit of doing on the days Jake doesn’t accompany Clarke. Unlike usual though, neither of them talk as they do it. 

The longer the silence continues between them, the more anxious Lexa feels herself become. 

_Way to go Woods. A pretty girl shows you friendship and kindness and you think with your lady dick and turn into a fucking sexual predator._

“So, I should erm probably get back to work, let me know if you need anything” She turns In a hurry to scutter off. 

“Wait, I-I got you something” Lexa turns back towards Clarke with shock evident on her face. 

Thankfully Clarke appears to miss it though as she reaches for one of the canvases she’d brought in, the back of it facing towards Lexa whilst the front is pressed against Clarke’s chest as she clutches it in her arms.

The way she continues to look down whilst clutching the canvas as though it were a treasured family heirloom only adds to Lexa’s curiosity and nerves. 

Maybe Lexa hadn’t been the reason for the woman’s uncomfortableness after all. 

“Well,” Clarke tucks a blonde lock behind her ear. “I didn’t get it as such, I sort of…kind of, maybe made it for you.” 

Lexa points to the canvas still being clutched by the shorter woman, silently asking if she’s referring to the canvas in her arms. Clarke nods. Lexa then dumbly points her finger towards herself again asking a silent question. Apparently, the gift Clarke had presented her with was the incapability of speech. 

Clarke gives another shy nod as she finally loosens her grip and holds her arms out, placing the canvas still facing back first to Lexa in front of her. 

Lexa finds herself feeling as though she’s being handed a newborn child.

_No loud noises - We don’t want to startle the person handing it over._

_Gently does it – We don’t want to cause any damage._

_Make sure to hold it properly - For fuck's sake we don’t want to drop it._

_Lexa just take the damn thing!_

She gently takes hold of the canvas, ensuring to support the head as she flips it over to face her. 

A gasp leaves her throat as she comes face to face with a healthy, beautiful, newborn painting. Lexa really isn’t one of those people to say that every painting is beautiful, because that’s what people expect of her. But this painting, this one really is beautiful. 

“You said the place I was going sounded like a place you’d love to go, so I…Well, I painted it for you.” 

Lexa’s feels her chests waters break as it goes into contractions. 

Clarke had painted her the place that was only shared amongst her family, somewhere that was purposely purchased for its privacy as Clarke had told her. She’d spent part of her vacation time to make a present for Lexa. She’d shared her place of tranquillity away from the world with Lexa. 

“Clarke…I…” She can’t finish the sentence, she’s gobsmacked and the contractions in her chest become closer as they intensify.

Clarke seems to understand Lexa’s silence, or perhaps it’s the look of complete awe on Lexa’s face that lets her know what it is Lexa is trying to say. 

Lexa slides the pads of her fingers gently over the canvas, feeling the areas where parts of the painting have several layers of paint on it. The painting itself is of a lake, surrounded by trees. Some of them spectacular shades of greens whilst others are grey and black to cause the effect of shadow and distance. The sky is that of orange, yellows, and purples as the sun descends behind the trees. The reflection of the sunset bouncing over the calm and stillness of the lake. Then standing in front of the lake, taking it all in, is none other than Lexa herself. She’s faced towards the sunset so her face doesn’t show, but Lexa knows it’s her, her usual braids in her long wavy hair the biggest give away of all. 

“This is the lake by our cabin, it’s always so beautiful at sunset. When the sun starts to filter through the trees and reflect off the lake. I was going to take a picture at first, but then I was hit with the inspiration and need to paint it for you instead, so I did.” Lexa lifts her eyes to scan Clarke's face as she speaks. “Besides I’m no good at photoshop, so it was much easier to just paint you in it.” 

She feels at that very moment as her heart begins to crown through the walls of her ribs.

“It’s beautiful Clarke, I honestly don’t know what to say right now, thank you.” She swallows thickly as the meaning behind the gift continues to settle in. “I can’t believe you went to a place so beautiful and was thoughtful enough to think of me and make me this. I love it.” 

Clarke finally meets her gaze as she tucks her hands inside her sleeves in a nervous gesture. Lexa resists the urge to scoop up the adorableness that is Clarke and attempt to cram her into her apron pocket. 

“Actually, I kind of” She pauses and looks hesitant. “Fuck it” Lexa doesn’t take her eyes off Clarke as she watches the woman struggle with something. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” 

And just like that, Lexa gives birth to an overjoyed and very gay little heart. 

She can’t and won’t deny that she didn’t herself feel an attraction towards Clarke. She did just give birth for Christ sake. She’d known there was something about the woman from the moment she’d laid eyes on her, but to hear Clarke say something that insinuated she may feel the same way. It’s something she hadn’t even considered, she didn’t even know if Clarke was into women or not. 

Unsure how to respond, she remains with her eyes locked into blue oceans. 

She really is beautiful. 

“There you are” Lexa jumps, having been pulled from a moment of meaningful silence between her and Clarke. 

It takes her a moment to realise the voice belongs to her ‘friend with benefits’ who comes up behind her. Apparently Costia is oblivious to the moment between them and the fact they’d just been staring into each other souls. Not to mention that there’s still a screaming gay heart rolling around the floor waiting for its cord to be cut and handed off to the woman with pretty eyes. 

The moment is ruined. 

“I’ve been trying to call you, Emori is having a party and she needs to know ASAP if we both wanted to go.” 

Lexa isn’t listening. 

She turns to Costia, still in a state of shock. “What?” It comes out with more of a bite than she intends, but Costia doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. 

Why would she? As far as their ‘friendship’ is concerned, they’re just a guaranteed lay to each other, who accompanied the other to the occasional party where they’d go back to Costia’s or Lexa’s to fuck. They didn’t need to be pleasant with each other unless they’re between the sheets together, even then it was sometimes a little hostile. 

“Party…Echo…later…you…me…beer” She gives Lexa a knowing smirk. “Se-” Before Costia has the time to add the x onto the end of the word, Lexa clamps her hand over her mouth. Honestly the woman’s such an ass sometimes. 

“No, I’ve got work in the morning, which I’m right in the middle of, so do you mind?” She removes her hand and fixes Costia with a disapproving look. 

She receives one of confusion back though, that is until she sees Costia looking over and finally acknowledging Clarke. The blonde has taken to setting her equipment up again. Costia looks back at Lexa and the confusion changes to that of a knowing and amused look. 

“Ok, cool. Well, if you change your mind” She winks with that confident grin that Lexa hated, yet seemed to enjoy from time to time. “Call me” She wiggles her phone at Lexa 

Once Costia leaves, much to Lexa’s delight, she turns her attention back to Clarke. “Clarke I-”

“Don’t mention it, it’s no big deal honestly, I just wanted something to paint and you were the perfect excuse as I just kept thinking about how you said about seeing the place” Lexa finds herself confused for a moment. The moment between them having completely shifted again. 

Clarke appears to have gone back to avoiding Lexa as she moves about her stuff. She can’t say for sure, but Lexa’s quite sure some poor paint brushes are being just slightly manhandled a tad rougher than necessary. 

“Uh…ok?” Lexa finishes the last word as though asking Clarke if there is more. 

“Ok cool, like I said, I couldn’t stop thinking about you in regards to thinking it be selfish of me to not paint you a quick picture.” 

So that was it? Clarke had just painted it because well, Clarke was an artist and enjoyed the opportunity to paint. Of course that was the reason, she can’t believe for a second she may have thought otherwise. 

_Why would she Lexa? You are two worlds apart, what could she possibly see in you?_

“Ok, well I best get on with it. Thank you again for the painting Clarke. It truly is beautiful, you’re incredibly talented.” It’s her turn to look down now, she feels stupid for the swell of hope she allowed herself to be filled with and getting it so fucking wrong. 

“You’re Welcome, maybe I can paint Lincoln one sometime too” 

Lexa gives a nod. Picking her now crying, disappointed gay little heart up, shoving it back into her awaiting chest as she walks off. Guess she won’t be cutting that cord anytime soon after all. 

What she doesn’t see as she leaves, is how a pair of blue eyes filled with the same look as hers follow her. 

Needless to say, she calls Costia that night. The look she receives from Costia as she answers the door, tells Lexa she knew all along Lexa would call. It pisses Lexa off, but the only thing she does is wipe it off her face with a forceful, aggressive kiss. They don’t make it to the party. 

As for Clarke and Lexa, things appear to go backward between them and then one morning a little more than a month later, Clarke enters the Café with a guy Lexa comes to learn as Roan. Clarke's boyfriend. It’s the moment she really does feel like an idiot for misreading the signs from Clarke so tremendously wrong. 

*********************************************

**Present 15th July 2017**

Lexa isn’t sure how long she’s been stood with her back to Clarke having fallen into another bittersweet memory. She guesses it’s enough to make the other woman panic though as she’s drawn from her flashback by the sound of Clarke's rambling.

“Oh god no, I didn’t mean that in a weird way, I didn’t realise how weird that would sound until I said it out loud”. Her next words come out muffled, only leaving Lexa to picture her blushing whilst covering her face with her hands “God, have I always been this awkward?” 

There it is. 

The first words out Clarke's mouth that to anyone else would sound like the usual joke people make to themselves. But to Lexa, they are a clear reference to the fact she has no memory. She knows that Clarke truly means what she asks, she really doesn’t know if she’s ever been an awkward person or not. 

She shouldn’t have come back here. This is exactly what she was terrified of happening. She can’t even bring herself to turn around to Clarke, she’s not sure she can take the look of disgust that may be awaiting her. 

She feels dizzy.

“Hey, you don’t look so good, go calm yourself down, I’ll keep an eye on her” Lexa has never been more grateful to Anya than now. It doesn’t matter if she just thinks Lexa’s still riled from the run in with Quint and friends. She’s still grateful that she knows Lexa doesn’t want to leave Clarke whilst they are still around.  
She quickly makes her way to the restroom, walking straight to the sinks where she takes a moment to catch her breath. Her hands gripping either side of the basin as she leans herself forward putting her head down taking deep breaths until the dizziness subsides. 

Turning on a tap, she cups her hands to catch the cold water before bringing her hands to her face and splashing it with the clear liquid. 

She looks up to look at herself in the mirror. 

She looks exactly how she feels, her face thinner than it used to be, she’d lost a fair amount of weight the past year due to a number of reasons. Car accident, depression and an unhealthy amount of the optional drinking of alcohol for lunch instead of an actual meal. Her once bright green eyes now darker and more tired than they used to be. Even her hair seemed thinner. Overall, the person looking back at her was so far from the woman she used to be. She barely recognises herself. What would Clarke think if she remembered her? 

_She’d probably hate you too._

Knowing she can’t stay hidden forever, she straightens herself back up. Her heart still thumping viciously against her chest and her lungs still on the forever verge of failing her, but she can’t leave Clarke out their alone too long. 

As she walks out, she finds Clarke sitting back on her stool looking into a freshly topped drink, Anya keeping a watchful eye on her as she continues to serve. Lexa walks over and takes her original seat back. Clarke looks up to her the moment she notices her. 

“I thought maybe you’d gone” Her voice is so small. 

“I was actually hoping you had” Lexa confesses. 

She realises too late how it must sound, but the words are already out, and Lexa doesn’t have the option to explain the reasons why, so she doesn’t even begin to try. 

“Well,” The moment she hears Clarke's voice, she knows she’s upset and offended her. “I won’t bother you or ask how you are again, so you can continue on your way, isn’t that what you were doing the second I arrived anyway?” Clarke places her glass down and begins to run her finger around the rim. 

“Are you going?” Lexa tries to keep her voice as soft yet firm as she’s able too. It really is in Clarkes best interest to leave, but Clarke doesn’t fully understand the reasons behind that. Lexa can see how the way she’s persistent on attempting to get her to leave though would cause for confusion and defensiveness. 

“No, I’m not going, I just want to be alone”

Lexa takes a deep, fat sigh of defeat, not quite believing the next words she knows are about to leave her lips. 

“Then I guess I’m staying too” 

Clarke's head shoots up and Lexa worries for a second it’s about to pop off into the abyss. Clearly, she’s in just as much disbelief as Lexa over the sentence too. 

What choice does Lexa have though? She can’t leave Clarke here by herself. There’s no way of knowing for sure if Echo can keep Quint and his goons in check. She couldn’t expect Anya to keep an eye on her either. She needed to make sure she’d be ok.

“Why?” 

_Because I love you and I want to protect you._

_Pffft, yeah, only a car accident, complete loss of memories/self and heartbreak amongst other things too late, but sure Lex. You protect her._

“I need a drink.” She says simply. 

Clarke looks like she wants to say more, Lexa can practically hear the gears grinding away in her precious head. But she settles for a nod of truce and goes back to her drink. 

The two sit in silence for the majority of the next two hours, as Anya refills their drinks when necessary. Apparently, she’d already mastered Clarke's drink of choice as not once does she ask them what it is they are drinking each time she fills their glasses. The whole experience for Lexa is out of body. As though she’s watching their past selves sit together drinking. Her head simply unable to grasp the fact that it’s this version of them together. 

Everything about it feels wrong. If anyone of Clarkes family or friends found out, she knows they’d turn up at her doorstep, probably opting to kick it down as opposed to knocking. They knew just as she did, she had no right to be anywhere near this woman. Her entire being knew this, every second they sit there, Lexa’s feels physically sick. Her heart squeezing and ricocheting off her ribs from beating too hard. 

“Is your leg ok?” 

Lexa looks down to where her hand is rubbing her thigh, she hadn’t even noticed it’d been throbbing, let along the fact she’d been rubbing it until now. 

“yeah” 

At that moment, a particular sharp pang causes her leg to spasm as she grimaces in pain. 

“Are you sure? Do you need to go-” 

“No” Lexa cuts her off, already knowing where the conversation is heading. It appears the doctor in Clarke hasn’t entirely gone either. 

Clarke looks down to where Lexa is still rubbing her flat palm firmly across her trousers to ease the pain. Lexa puffs out a sigh as she knows Clarke won’t let up. 

“It happens sometimes. When I put too much pressure on it or…strain it too much” Lexa hopes this is enough to put Clarke at ease. 

“Well, I guess tossing a guy over your shoulder like he’s nothing more than a paper bag would classify as strain” Clarke smiles awkwardly as she takes a sip of her drink. 

Lexa mimics her action (minus the smile) and takes a few sips from her own drink. 

“How did you do it?” 

Lexa looks at Clarke with unease before biting her lip nervously “Accident” Is all she replies. 

She chances a look at Clarke to see immediately she’s not satisfied with the answer. “Car accident” She brings her glass to her lips to finish the contents in the hope it will rinse out the vile taste in her mouth, so she can continue on. It doesn’t work but she presses on regardless. “My leg was broken pretty bad” The mention of it causes her to subconsciously rub the area harder. “They had to uh, put a metal rod in there to help it heal.”

“I’m sor-”

“Don’t” Lexa spits the word out so fast it causes the other woman to jump in surprise. “Sorry” 

The second word comes out so much heavier than necessary for the moment, but for Lexa, the word carries so much more meaning behind it than for snapping at the woman. “It’s just I…It’s the least I deserve.” She pauses, wondering if she should really say the next words, but the way Clarke still holds a look of sympathy towards her clears any last doubts. “The other person they” She takes a heavy breath to compose her wavering voice. “they came out so much worse.” 

She watches a million different emotions pass on Clarkes features but yet again she doesn’t push further. Lexa is beyond thankful. 

“So,” Clarke lifts her voice to that of a chirpier tone. “are you like trained by Mr. Miyagi or something?”

Lexa looks at Clarke and hates how her first instinct is to laugh at her ex-lover’s karate kid reference. More so, she finds herself confused. Does Clarke remember the film? or had she watched it again since the accident? She has no idea at all of what things Clarke may or may not remember. 

“You know, wax on…wax off…” Clarke trails off as her cheeks begin to turn a light shade of red. 

“I know the film” 

“Ow thank god, I thought I’d made a fool of myself…again” She smiles lightly. 

“I used to do several martial arts, mainly boxing.” Lexa internally scolds herself for continuing to participate in the conversation Clarke has managed to successfully start between the two. But she can’t stop herself wanting to put the woman out of her misery as she turns shy from the worry of making herself look stupid. 

After everything she’s done. She just can’t bring herself to allow the woman to feel stupidity at her expense. 

“Wow, that’s…wow” A perfectly sculpted brow cocks higher as Clarke continues. “So, you say used to, did you stop because of the accident?” 

Lexa shakes her head to indicate that wasn’t the reason. 

“Do you mind if I ask why? It’s just it looked like you’re still very good at it.”

Lexa looks at her blankly for a moment. 

Does she tell her another truth? Maybe if she continued to answer Clarke with specific truths, it would provide her with an insight to just what a shitty person Lexa is. Then maybe after so many of these shitty truths, Clarke will also realise that Lexa is, in fact, a shitty person and eventually stop trying to talk to her. 

On the other hand, if she tells her this one truth in particular, it’d be telling her something that she’d denied profusely to the Clarke she knew when they were together. A subject they’d had numerous of arguments over, a problem she had disputed and denied through her back teeth about up to the very end of their relationship. 

She lifts her still empty glass.

Where’s Anya when you need her?

Though empty, she finds the glass feels heavier than it ever had when full. Weighed down by the heaviness of the question still lingering unanswered between them. Maybe she couldn’t admit it to herself or Clarke back then, but now, there’s no doubt in her mind to what had been the root of everything she’d lost. (Well asides from the fact Lexa is a shitty person as she’s established). The blonde may not realise the true gravity of her soon to be revelation, but she does deserve to know. 

Clarke follows with curious eyes as Lexa raises her glass past her mouth and level to her head. She simply shakes her glass at the blonde.

_No. Don’t be a fucking coward. Tell her._

_Say it!_

“I…I threw it all away for this.” Tears threaten to build in the corner of her eyes. She clenches her fist and with every bit of strength she has left she pushes them back before they have time to make themselves known. 

_You still haven’t said it Lexa. Tell her what you should have before it was too late._

“I’m an alcoholic” 

The words leave her feeling exhausted. Like she’d just physically walked every rocky road she’d put them through from all the times she denied it. She isn’t finished yet though. “I stopped because I chose the bottle over everything. I made everyone I knew suffer in ways you can’t even begin to imagine and as a result, I lost everything” She scoffs bitterly to herself and the way she’d made it sound like she was the victim. “They” she corrects. “They lost everything, because this” She shakes her glass again. “and this” She nods to where Quint is still now sat with a makeshift splint made from a beer coaster and cloth. “this is who I am.” 

She’d heard so many times before, whether it be on Tv shows or from Clarke herself. That admitting to the problem lifts a weight off your shoulders, it’s the first step to on the journey to getting better. She finds that one of the two are true, and she fucking hates herself for which it is. She’d like to say it was the latter and how even without realising it, Clarke is finally the reason she puts down the bottle and starts down a path of making amends and becoming a healthy and better person. But she can’t, because really, how can she ever make amends for what she’d done? How can she ever hope to become a better and healthier person when she deserves nothing more than to live with the consequences of her actions. 

No. The true one is that she truly for a second felt a weight lift off her shoulders. How it actually felt fucking good, to confide in a woman who deserved better than to be a listening ear to a confession from Lexa’s mouth, that had very well been the actual reality of her life before the crash. 

The weightlessness is replaced almost instantly by that of guilt, but even in that brief moment, she’d felt what it’s like to be a little lighter and it was far more than she should ever allow herself. 

Will she ever stop being a waste of life? 

She watches in her periphery as a glass glides across the bar having been pushed away by Clarke who’d apparently now finished hers too. Lexa watches it with false interest even after it comes to a still. She’s not sure if she’s wanting to take her eyes away from it to have to look to Clarkes face and see the look plastered on the woman’s face. She can already feel a set of eyes burning into her to know she’s being looked at. Surely that look will be filled with things such as disgust, disapproval and perhaps maybe even pity. 

She looks anyway. 

She can’t hide away from this. She’s not surprised to find that Clarke is indeed looking at her, what does surprise her is how she’s vacant of all the things Lexa thought she’d find on her features. What she’s greeted with, is a pair of brows furrowed together causing a slight wrinkled across the woman’s forehead. A bottom lip tucked underneath a set of white teeth whilst being gently chewed. Her eyes piercing Lexa’s own as she looks at her with an intensity that makes Lexa forget how to breathe.

Is she searching for something? 

Is she trying to figure Lexa out?

Did Lexa say too much? Is she remembering? 

Lexa finds herself completely frozen in place. What is she supposed to do if Clarke remembers her? How will Clarke react? 

She isn’t sure how long Clarke continues to study her in silence for, but she knows a panic attack is tunneling its way through her veins racing its way to her already weakened heart. 

Finally, her eyes drop, and she releases the lip still tucked in her lip.

Lexa braces herself for the verdict.

“I guess I should probably get going, it’s getting pretty late.” 

Well, that’s not what she was expecting, but it’s enough for her to let out the air she’d been holding on to. Lexa nods dumbly in response, still unsure about the whole exchange as Clarke stands to her feet. It’s then, she hears a roar of laughter coming from Quint's table.

It leaves her feeling temporarily dazed. She’d completely forgotten they were still in a somewhat still rowdy bar surrounded by people. Looking over, she sees just in time as Quint looks over to Clarke having noticed her now getting ready to leave. 

“I’ll walk you out” She stands too quickly causing her leg that she’d also forgotten about, to give out as the sudden movement causes it to buckle under her. 

Before she has time to react, a pair of steady hands land on waist to steady her. Lexa is hindered paralyzed again for the second time in the sake of a few minutes as she accidentally sucks in a lung full of Clarke's perfume. Her eyes widen as blonde locks brush against her face and she realises how close they now are. An involuntary pull forces her head to lift to look up at Clarke where a pair of just as stunned eyes are looking back at her. 

Neither of them moves. That is until Lexa’s functioning side finally kicks back in with a heavy punch to the head for her stupidity. She takes an unsteady step out of Clarke's personal space. 

“Can you stand?” Clarke breathes, still not having let go of Lexa.

Lexa nods a little too eagerly but eyes still unable to look away from Clarkes. 

Clarke lets go of her and Lexa quickly takes hold of the bar to keep her up. She tries her best to make it look casual, as though she hadn’t been affected by Clarke's close proximity in the slightest as she stretches her leg and tests her weight on her foot. A slight ache still resides but it’s not enough to warrant a noticeable limp. 

The two of them leave the bar, ignoring Quints whistling as they step out the door. It makes Lexa feel uneasy, she’d stepped down to Ontari after all. 

“Can I call you a cab? Or do you like have someone who is picking you up?” Her heart sinks.

She hadn’t even considered the idea that maybe Clarke was with someone new until now. 

“No to either, I have my own means of transport…but thank you.” She smiles sweetly. 

“You’re not driving, are you?” She rushes it out so fast, she’s not even sure the blonde can understand her. “It’s just, you’ve been drinking all night.”

A breathy laugh makes its way from Clarke's mouth causing Lexa to this time be the one to look in confusion. 

“Water” She grins. “I’ve been drinking water.” 

“Oh” 

“Yeah I know, guess many people don’t come to a bar to sit and drink water, right?”

Lexa pushes the urge to ask why she does come then, away. 

“I’m walking” She clarifies.

Lexa finds she doesn’t feel any better at the thought of Clarke walking home alone at this time of night. She pictures Quint and his group leaving shortly after and potentially crossing paths with Clarke. “Let me get you a cab” 

“Honestly, I appreciate the…” The blonde seems to hesitate a moment as though to actually think what it is the brunette is showing towards her. “gesture” She settles for. “but I kind of don’t do well in vehicles really, I mean I’ve gotten better when it comes to getting into them with people I know, but cabs and driving myself is a no go. Besides I like walking.” 

Lexa pauses, she never had an issue with cars before. This was obviously Lexa’s doing, a fear brought on after the car accident. The car accident that happened feet from where they are standing, an accident that was all Lexa’s fault.

Fuck.

Clarke really is stood here with her, in almost the same spot they’d been stood in over a year ago. Clarke is here. Clarke Griffin, the love of her life who she thought she’d never see again, who she thought would die, only to find out she had in fact lived through surgery and defied all odds. 

Then to be told and also vow to herself after that she’d stay away and never go near her again. 

She’s here though, they’d spent the last couple of hours with each other, they’d spoken. Clarke is still stood in front of her, looking at her with fucking gratitude. As though Lexa’s just this kind though fucked up stranger showing concern and thought to a woman she’d met twice. She has no fucking idea about the truth. 

This time there’s no warning as Lexa begins to throw up again. She manages to wave her hand hoping it'll deter the blonde off, knowing more than guessing that she’d probably began to approach Lexa. Thankfully, this time, she’s saved from feeling Clarke's gentle hands placed on her back or her soothing voice coaxing her in her ear as she seems to stay away as requested. 

Lexa’s thankful as her throwing up isn’t near as violent as last time and finds herself stopping shortly after. When she does look back over to where Clarke is standing, which is closer than she was but far enough to show she’d listened, she finds her holding out some wipes for Lexa. She takes them with a quick thanks and repeats the process of wiping her mouth and hands as well as ungracefully spitting out the leftover bile in her mouth.

“I’m walking you home” Lexa decides out loud. 

“Are you serious? You just threw up and have an injured leg.” Lexa doesn’t need to look at her to see the disapproving features laced on her face. 

“I'm sick sometimes when I drink. It’s no big deal” She lies. “And I’ve coped perfectly well on my leg for over a year now.” 

Clarke folds her arms over her chest stubbornly. 

“Just to the edge of this side of town, it’s not safe this time of night.” She meets Clarke's eyes. “Please.”

She watches Clarke's form relax the slightest though her arms stay firmly over her chest. “What about you? You have to walk alone too.” 

“I can handle myself.”

“Oh and you think I can’t, is that it?” Great now she’s offended her. 

“No that’s not what I…I don’t mean th…” She trails off not knowing what to say. 

“Relax” A smirk creeps on to Clarke's face. “I’m kidding, these hands” She holds them out in front of her to look at them. “they couldn’t bend a wet noodle, at least I don’t think they could.” She continues to look at them as though sizing them up to decide if they may actually be deadly weapons she hadn’t realised of. 

If Lexa finds herself going back to the day Clarke had put her on her ass during some light sparring she pushes the thought aside. 

“Anyway, I guess if you must, you could walk with me, but only to the edge of town like you said. I don’t like knowing you have to go back on yourself to get home too.” 

Lexa nods like an obedient child as she begins to follow alongside Clarke who’s turned to start her way back. 

“So, what is it that makes you so sure I don’t live in this side of town?” 

Lexa fumbles with her hands for a second, she hadn’t even thought about making it obvious that she knew that when asking to get the woman a cab and walking her. “I uh…guess I’m here a lot and I haven’t seen you around before.” 

_Well, that’s a lie._

“Maybe I’m new.” The blonde offers. 

“You sort of don’t fit the area, not many people like you usually end up in a beat down bar such as the grounders.” At least that was honest.

Clarke’s pure, gifted and has all the potential in her for a successful life and career. She had no need to be in a dump like this. 

Well, she had the potential at least. Lexa still isn't sure what she remembers.

Clarke seems to ponder for a moment, wondering to herself if it’s meant as a compliment or insult. “What about you? You seem to live in a decent part of town, why do you go?” 

Lexa answers with a shrug of her shoulder. That was an answer she couldn’t give without more lies. 

The two fall into another bout of silence and all Lexa can think about is her confession about her drinking that she’d finally come clean to Clarke about. The only sounds coming from the nightlife of passing cars they go past. Lexa’s head does nothing to mimic the quiet that surrounds them as they walk further away from the busier streets. Her head filled with the screams and shouts from past memories. The further they walk and the longer the silence, the louder it becomes. She feels suffocated, the world around her fades away until all she can hear is the voices in her head. 

_‘Lexa please, I miss you … I miss us’ – ‘I am here, what more do you want Clarke?’_

_‘Why am I not enough, did I do something wrong?’ – ‘Shouldn’t it be me asking you that? Am I not the one who’s always under interrogation?’_

_‘I fucking love you Lexa, please just tell me what I can do to fix this’ – ‘There’s nothing to fix Clarke, just drop it and there wouldn’t be a problem’_

Selfish and cowardly. 

That’s what she is, and so fucking stupid. The endless times Clarke pleaded with her to help her and all she’d done was blow her off, push her away or even worse – make out it was Clarke causing the problems. 

She didn’t just stop there though. There were also countless of times Lexa had hurt Clarke, so many times. Clarke being the loving and perfect partner she always forgave her. Lexa was nothing more than a broken record when it came to the word sorry. She never meant to hurt the woman she loved, ever. But each time she did, all it took was sorry. 

_‘All I needed was you and you weren’t there’ – ‘Clarke I…I’m so sorry’_

_‘It was our anniversary last night … I cooked us your favourite … I waited for as long as I could, but I guess I must have fallen to sleep’ – ‘Fuck Clarke, I’m so sorry’_

_‘I came home last night, thought I’d surprise you with flowers, you were pretty out of it and fell on them, I managed to save this one though. So … happy valentine’s day Lex’ – ‘Happy Valentine’s day Clarke, I’m really sorry’_

_‘How could you do this to us…to me?’ – ‘I’m sorry’-_ This was the sorry that even Clarke couldn’t forgive, Lexa wouldn’t have let her anyway. She’d crossed the line this time. 

Lexa’s snapped back to the present by a hand being placed on her arm. She blinks heavily a few times as the world settles back around her. The sky, the trees and Clarke. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump but you seemed to be away with the fairies. Are you ok?” 

Lexa slowly nods. Still recovering from her time with…’the fairies’.

“Ok, well we are where I agreed to let you walk me so uh, I guess you can head back now.” 

Lexa takes a quick scan around to see they are indeed now on the safer side of town. She dips her head slowly at Clarke before turning around to make her way back. 

“Thank you” Lexa turns her head to look over her shoulder at the woman thanking her. A pair of soft blue eyes looking at her. “For walking me back and tonight at the bar, I don’t think anyone’s done that for me before?” It comes out as more of a question. “It’s not something people do every day at least, so chances are small” 

Lexa looks down sadly. 

“Well anyway, I guess I’ll probably see you around there again.”

This instantly brings Lexa’s eyes back up. “You’re going back?” She ignores the way it comes out with a slight bite. Right now, it doesn’t matter, Clarke can’t go back to that bar. 

“Yeah?” Clarke's eyes scowl in confusion having picked up on said tone. 

“You can’t.”

“Why? Why does it matter so much to you if I go or not?” 

Lexa finds herself at a loss. It’s dangerous for Clarke to go back, it’s dangerous because of Quint, because of Ontari, because of her accident and more so, it’s dangerous because of them. It was the second time they’d bumped into each other in a matter of a week and each time one had walked the other home and they’d spoken. This absolutely cannot happen again. 

What if she tells her the truth? 

_No, it’d bring questions and cause more pain and confusion to Clarke, there was a reason your memory was kept out of her life._

What if she tells her family? 

_No, they’d only have to give Clarke an explanation of why she can’t go, and it’d end in the same result when Clarke would inevitably not listen._

Fuck. How can she stop this?

Lexa bites her lip and takes in a shaky breath.

“Because I told you, it’s dangerous there, you don’t belong here, and I can’t always be there to babysit you.”

Ouch. If saying the words alone hadn’t hurt Lexa enough, watching Clarkes features dip to that of hurt surely took out the pin to the grenade that had taken residence in the hole in the chest. As quickly as they appeared though they twisted into anger as the blonde scoffs. 

“I never fucking asked for your help! I didn’t ask you to walk me home, I never asked you to stay.” 

Lexa’s stunned. It had not been often Clarke had got angry back at Lexa. Not a moment later she finds the blonde continuing. 

“I don’t know what your damn problem is with me, but you’re just going to have to deal with it because I happen to like going there. Neither you or guys with small dick syndromes can stop me and you certainly don’t scare me.” She looks at Lexa defiantly and Lexa knows there’s absolutely nothing she can say to stop her. 

Lexa just nods sadly at her, she doesn’t see the point in making Clarke feel any worse upsetting her more, so proceeds to walk off. 

“And don’t worry. If I see you there, I won’t inconvenience you with my presence anymore, I’ll keep away, so you don’t have to worry about having someone to babysit!”

Lexa wants to say that the way she hears the woman stomp off is just as adorable as she remembers it being, she can almost allow herself to picture the pout she’s wearing whilst doing so, but she stamps it down along with the urge to turn around and see it with her own eyes. She also wants to say that she’s done a successful job in convincing Clarke into not coming back to the bar and the blonde could continue her days without Lexa being in her life again. 

But she can’t say that. 

All she’s done is piss her off and hurt her feelings. For one of the first times in a while, she‘d tried to put aside her own feelings and try to do something for Clarke. She couldn’t have done it more wrong.

_You made her feel like a fucking inconvenience._

_Fuck Lexa, why can’t you just do anything right? all you ever do is hurt her._

_You’re a walking disaster._

Lexa pauses in her steps. 

Clarke’s coming back, Lexa’s going to see her again. 

“What am I supposed to do?” She looks up at the sky. She’s not sure why, she doesn’t believe in anything that could ever give her answers, but when she has words that she can’t speak to others. She often finds herself asking them into a star-filled night sky. 

If Lexa doesn’t go back, Clarke will be on her own. Quint will be there, Ontari and others just like them will be there and Clarke will continue to walk back through town alone at night. 

_Shit. There’s no way she’s letting you walk her home now._

It’s in some twisted sick fate, that they’d been thrown together again. Hadn’t she already done enough to prove their worlds were best apart? Hadn’t she already put Clarke through enough? 

Clarke doesn’t know her anymore. How is she possibly supposed to continue to act like the woman who haunts her dreams night after night means nothing to her and is nothing more than an inconvenience? 

How is she supposed to pretend she hadn’t nearly killed her, that she killed the old her? How is she supposed to pretend she hadn’t broken her heart and hurt her time and time again? 

How is she supposed to pretend she doesn’t love her?

How does she pretend she isn’t constantly drowning? 

As though mimicking her thoughts, Lexa begins to feel as though her bodies surrounded by a violent storm. She’d been surrounded by it most of her life, and Clarke, she’d been the passing ship. She’d gotten caught up in Lexa’s waves and just like an iceberg, Lexa had stood in her path and Clarke had unknowingly sailed head first into her. She’d obliterated the very ship Clarke lay claim to, she’d survived yes. But she’d lost everything in the process and been thrown overboard, left stranded in the middle of the sea, keeping herself afloat with nothing but the last broken remnant of her ship and no sense of direction to find her way back.

And just as luck would have it, Clarke’s now drifting her way back towards the same iceberg. Lexa couldn’t let that happen. She needs to find a way to redirect Clarke to dry land, a land where she can rebuild and find herself again. 

Suddenly she feels too close to Clarke, the woman still stomping off in the other direction. She’s too close, she’s in reaching distance of striking Lexa’s solid walls and finding herself stranded forever. She needs to put distance between them. 

So that’s what she does. 

She runs as fast as she’s able to on a leg that doesn’t work the way it used to, the ache it presents her with only drowned by the ache of helplessness over the situation they’re once again in. She doesn’t stop running until she finds herself back outside the bar, her guilty conscious having carried her to where the accident had occurred. She looks down to the concrete under her feet, the very spot Clarkes lifeless body landed. 

She doesn’t recall dropping to her knees, only realising she’s done so as her hands reach out to touch the area with hesitant hands. Everything she’d done up to that day had always been in her own interest, the lies, the secrets, the drink … everything. All it ever did was cause Clarke more and more pain. 

She won’t let that happen again. Clarke had made it clear she had no intention of stopping visiting the bar. Lexa has no other choice but to try and look out for her. At least until she can find a way to redirect the current she’s set on. 

If it meant looking in the eyes of the woman she’d betrayed regardless of the fact it kills her a little more each time, then so be it. If it resulted in Clarke hating her from not understanding why Lexa continues to try and steer her away, then so be it. 

Maybe this is just another way of making her pay for all she’d done. Having to watch the aftermath of her shipwreck.

This time she wouldn’t think of herself. All that matters is keeping her safe. 

Lexa goes home that night with shoulders heavier than she left with, knowing the inevitable fact that Clarke would be around in her life for an unknown period of time. Knowing there’s no way she can think to stop it just yet. 

She goes straight to her newly stocked cupboard that night, and when she cries, she doesn’t allow herself to do so into the blue hoodie. The thought of ending her night with even this version of Clarke angry at her, leaving a vile taste in her mouth as she’d originally picked up the hoodie. Why should she be allowed to cry herself into something that belonged to a woman who for the second time around, she’d hurt?

She really is a piece of shit and all she can hope for, is that Clarke comes to hate her just as much as she hates herself. 

Maybe then she’d be out of her life for good. 

Clarke deserves better.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this one, I am unsure if the way in which I have written it makes it obvious, so I thought I'd explain as the voices in Lexa's head are a little more regular in this chapter. 
> 
> There are 3 sets of thoughts.
> 
> Normal italics are just general thoughts or flashbacks 
> 
> Bold Italics are one side of the voices Lexa hears and the normal bold ones are the other side.
> 
> Hope that makes sense. 
> 
> Anyway, I've been told this one is also a little heavy though it's hard to feel it myself sometimes when I write it, but I believe the next few chapters will be a little lighter until shit kicks off and it gets heavy again.

**27th July 2017 (18 days after meeting Clarke again)**

“Are you going to tell me the deal between you two yet?”

“Anya” Lexa drops her head to the bar causing a quiet thud as she does. “I told you 100 times already. Nothing.”

Lexa isn’t sure how she feels about Anya’s new approach towards her, it appeared to consist of more teasing these past two weeks. She has enough to worry about as it is though, without having to worry about why the woman’s sudden change in behaviour towards her. 

“So you keep saying, yet you both leave together every night she comes.”

Lexa chooses to sip from her drink instead of answering. 

Anya’s right. They have been leaving together, but it isn’t what Anya thinks it to be, well mostly anyway. She’d been walking Clarke to the end of town. Clarke had turned up at the bar 2 nights after their ‘argument’ and after a night of much discussion between the two, Clarke had allowed Lexa to continue walking her.

Not that she really had a choice the first night. 

*********************************** 

**18th July 2017 (9 days after meeting Clarke again)**

“I don’t understand you, first you go off about me being a child you can’t babysit and the next you follow me home insisting on doing just that” Clarke stops in her walking and turns around to throw an accusatory glare towards Lexa. 

“I did not call you a child.” Lexa denies. 

“What else other than children do people babysit?”

Ok, so maybe Lexa should have thought her words through a little more the other night. 

“Uh” 

_Think Lexa, what else do people look after?_

“Dogs?”

_Kill me now._

Clarke’s eyes bulge out of her head as she scoffs in disbelief. 

“Shit, wait, that’s not what I meant…I uh…I… ah, fuck” Her head droops in defeat. 

She really is just trying to keep Clarke safe in a dodgy town. But nerves and desperation are not on her side. After spending the night drinking in silence without a word to each other, she’d hoped the space may have calmed Clarke down a little. So, Lexa had set out to convince her to at least just allow her to walk her home. Unfortunately though, she always had been and seemingly always will be, a hopeless idiot when it came to a certain blonde. 

“Christ, fine you can walk me, just stop looking like that will you?” 

Lexa doesn’t want to risk changing Clarke's mind by saying something stupid. So she doesn’t bother to ask what look she’d give that has apparently done in seconds what Lexa’s talking had failed in since they left. She opts for walking forward in silence, relieved Clarke has changed her mind. 

They barely make it two steps before she’s halted by Clarke's palm pressing flatly against her chest. Her breathing stutters and she can only hope Clarke can’t hear it.

“Huh?” She swallows and takes a step back so she’s out of her ex-lovers very distracting touching distance. “I thought you said I could walk you?”

Clarke rolls her eyes as though annoyed, but Lexa can see the way her lips curl just the slightest at the corners. 

“Look around.” Clarke waves her arm as though to make a point. 

Lexa does so and is surprised to realise they are already on the edge of town. 

“Oh” She says sheepishly. 

She hadn’t meant to stalk Clarke the entire way.

“Yeah, oh.” Clarke smirks amusedly. 

Lexa focuses on a flickering streetlight as she feels herself blush slightly. 

“Well uh, will you be coming back?” She keeps her voice void of any specific tone. 

If Clarke does come back, which she’s almost certain by the stubbornness still evident in her that she will. She doesn’t want to risk giving Clarke another reason to refuse to let her walk her home again and stalking her for a second time wouldn’t be acceptable behaviour from a ‘stranger’. 

Though it wouldn’t be the first time she’d behaved towards Clarke in a manner that could wind her up with a restraining order. 

“I will.” Clarke lifts her chin higher, as though preparing herself for whatever Lexa’s snarky reply may be. It leaves Lexa feeling guilty, but she understands why Clarke thinks this due to Lexa’s previous reactions. 

“Ok” 

It’s not ok and though she wants to object further, she knows she has to keep on her good side enough to be able to watch out for her. She’s still hoping Clarke will just stop coming “Can I, I mean, do you mind if I walk you home next time?” 

“That depends” Clarke replies with a mischievous manner to her voice. 

Lexa worries herself for what Clarke has in mind but proceeds to ask anyway. “On?” 

“Well, you’re not going to strap a collar around my neck and pat my head when I’m an obedient girl, right?” 

Lexa starts to pat at her own chest as she begins choking on nothing more than air and choice of words. She’s partially grateful as it offers a plausible excuse for the blush she feels burning at her cheeks. At Lexa’s reaction, Clarke also realises how her words could be taken in a more inappropriate manner than intended and beings to blush profusely herself. 

“I uh” Lexa swallows thickly as she attempts to rid of the last few coughs. “No” Is all she manages to croak out. 

“Ok, good” It’s Clarkes turn to avoid Lexa’s eyes this time. 

The situation grows far more awkward than Lexa prepared herself for and for certainly different reasons than she’d imagined. Both remain silent for what appears to be hours, though is probably no longer than 20 seconds as neither knows what to say. It’s Clarke who decides to speak first again to get the moment moving on. 

“Sorry, it’s just you said about the dog thing” She scratches the back of her neck nervously. “I’d like to think I’m capable of walking without a collar and uh if I was a dog” Her eyes widen slightly, as though mortified she’s still talking though not quite sure how to stop herself. “I’d like to think I’d be more of a…belly tickles…instead of a patting” She finally meets Lexa’s eyes again as they look to her filled with nothing but desperation. “Please feel free to stop me any second now.”

Lexa thinks maybe for once, in all their times of awkward interactions, Clarke may just be the one more mortified than her for a change. A part of her wants to smile, tell her how endearing she is. Walk over to kiss the blush from her cheeks and tell her how she loves her regardless of what kind of dog she is. 

But she can’t smile, because all it does is make her sad. 

Sad, because once upon a time, it’d be exactly what Lexa would have done.

Sad, because Lexa is no longer that person nor has the right to be. 

Sad, because Clarke is definitely no longer that person.

Sad, because Clarke doesn’t even remember either of those people. The people they were before Lexa fucked it all up. 

And then she just feels angry. 

Angry, because It’s her own damn fault. She had it all and it’s her own fault it all turned into the way it is now and how the both of them are now caught in this fucked up situation that Lexa still has no idea how to stop. 

A sound of shuffling feet has her remembering Clarke’s still stood in front of her and they have yet to depart ways. 

“Ok, then I guess I will see you soon” 

Clarke nods, still looking utterly mortified and turns to walk her way back. Lexa pretends not to hear as she scolds herself quietly before she’s out of sight, leaving Lexa to make her own way back, where her favourite cupboard awaits her. 

*************************************** 

**27th July 2017**

Their interactions after that night had been a little here and there. 

Sometimes Clarke would opt to sit further away from Lexa though still close by and others she’d just take the seat right next to her. Conversation wasn’t always present between them, sometimes the two would simply sit next to each other for hours in silence, enjoying the quietness of the bar on weekdays. Always, as Anya had said though, ending with Lexa leaving with Clarke and walking her. 

Anya takes Lexa’s silence as a refusal to answer so goes to wiping down glasses as she stacks them under the bar. 

“Whatever it is, just make sure it doesn’t result in another ‘my lady penis is bigger than yours’ fight. You should know to settle that shit outside my bar” 

“Sorry” Lexa offers. 

She is, she really has no interest in that shit anymore, she’d left those days behind her when she’d gotten with Clarke. She had, however, still continued to attend the boxing club where she trained in town, so people remained all too aware of what she was still capable of and she continued to receive mutual respect from all groups in town. 

As she’d eventually stopped attending the gym around a year and a half ago though, newer people weren’t familiar with her name or face. So, although she doesn’t actually care about who’s dick is bigger than who’s. It’s important for her to pretend to when it came to those people, for Clarke's safety. 

Anya shoots her with an incredulous look. She’d never heard any such word meant for her leave the brunette's mouth before. “Nothing my ass.” She says referring to Lexa’s earlier answer regarding her and Clarke as she walks over to serve a customer. Lexa shoots a needless glare at the taller woman’s retreating figure before picking her glass up to drink from it. 

“Why don’t you worry about more important things, like getting that doorbell fixed” This is something that genuinely bugs Lexa due to it being broken off by a rowdy crowd last week. 

“Pfft no chance, things been driving me fucking crazy since the day I started.” 

Lexa takes another drink from her glass. She doesn’t like all these changes to her routine, no matter how small they are. The bell had been an important part of her guilt induced flashbacks. 

As she continues to drink, she finds herself wondering if Clarke will turn up today. She hadn’t shown up yesterday. Her visits had been inconsistent, sometimes she’d come days in a row and others would have a day or two between. It was hard for Lexa to know since they never spoke about whether to expect the other there or not when they departed ways at night.

Clarke had probably guessed by now though that Lexa would be. 

Not knowing on Clarke’s part however, only put the brunette on edge, she finds herself caught in between being scared Clarke is coming back and scared that she also won’t. 

She checks the out-dated clock on the wall. 7 pm. If Clarke is to come, she’d usually turn up around 8ish. One more hour of waiting until she knows which nightly routine her night will end in. 

It’s a routine Lexa has had to adjust too, on days Clarke doesn’t come, she’ll drink herself to the usual point of being able to just about manage her way home. The days she does come, Lexa holds back off her drinking a little, so she’s of a sounder mind to look out for Clarke. Then she’ll make her way home and continue drinking there. 

“Hey blondie, can I get you the usual?”

Lexa looks up to see Anya serving none other than same blonde occupying her thoughts. Her heart does a small flip in her chest as she watches on in a mixture of joy and sorrow that she’d turned up. Today’s one of which Clarke decides to sit away from Lexa. She immediately notices the somber look on Clarke's face and knows something is off. 

“Actually no, can I get a something stronger this time?” 

“You’re drinking alcohol?” 

Anya and Clarke both look towards Lexa. It takes her a moment to realise it’s her mouth that the words had left. She opens her mouth to say something but finds she really has no idea how to explain her sudden interruption so is only proceeds to provide a few silent mouth gestures. 

“Sure, what’ll it be?” 

Thank you Anya. 

“Uh, I don’t really know, I’m not actually sure what I like.” Clarke says earnestly whilst looking down. 

_Not spirits, they made you do embarrassing things, like trying to climb lamp posts and falling on your ass, you’d wake in the morning with the worst hangovers and a number of unexplained injuries whilst swearing to never drink again._

_Not wine either, it made you pull the funniest faces as every sip ‘tasted like vinegar’ each time you’d drink it, you’d still insist on wasting money by trying them. Hoping the results would be different because you wanted to look sophisticated like everyone else did when we were out for dinner._

_In fact, you’re not really a drinking person at all._

“Just give her a beer” 

Clarke and Anya again look to Lexa as she interrupts for the second time. She only offers a clueless shrug in return and watches Anya look to Clarke silently asking if that’s what she wants. Clarke keeps a suspicious eye on Lexa for a moment longer before nodding in agreement to Anya who fetches her a bottle. 

Lexa keeps her sight on Clarke a moment longer, in case she decides to call Lexa out on her random outburst through her order. All Clarke does though, accept the drink from Anya and sit in silence drinking it. 

************************

The next time Lexa looks at the clock it’s 8:25. 

Clarke had spent the last hour and a half silently drinking bottle after bottle of beer. Something was definitely wrong, she’d have at least acknowledged Lexa in some form by now and she certainly hadn’t been drinking alcohol on any of her previous visits here. 

She looks back over at Clarke, who’s sat absentmindedly peeling the label from her bottle before taking another of many deep sighs she’d already done, taking another sip from her beer. 

Her skin starts to itch as the urge to go over and talk to Clarke starts to become unbearable, but she knows she shouldn’t. 

Clarke looks hopelessly sad and Lexa has no idea what to do. Better still, or worse still, depends which way you see it, Lexa can’t do anything even if she did know. She looks down towards the bar, dipping her head enough to cut the view of Clarke in her periphery in the hope, it’ll help. All it does is cause her to twitch irritably as she continues to fight off her instincts to comfort the woman. 

**It’s not your place Lexa. If Clarke knew, you’d be the last person she goes too.**

She tucks her fidgeting feet behind the footrest bar of her stool, anchoring herself as much as possible to the spot she sits in. The more she sits and fights it, the more it physically starts to hurt. Her stomach knots and twists, pulling tighter and tighter. She takes a deep breath and covers her head with her hands to create a physical wall between her and Clarke in case she involuntarily looks up. 

She absolutely cannot and will not do this. 

She spares a moment to now be thankful that Clarke decided to sit away from her today. She’s almost certain she’d not be able to fight it if it weren’t the case. Her feet begin to bounce harder as she feels her desperation and curiosity growing greater to know what’s caused Clarke to be this upset and to help take it away. 

Though she really has no idea of the blonde’s life anymore to narrow down any of the thoughts racing through her head. 

Had somebody said something to upset her?

Did she maybe have a job and had a bad day at work? 

Had she argued with someone? 

Had she lost someone? 

Lexa’s eyes widen in realisation. 

_Oh god, how could you have forgotten?_

She fumbles through her pocket to grab her phone, hitting the unlock button instantly to double check the date. 

27th of July. 

Jakes birthday. 

_FUCK._

She looks up desperately to Clarke, only to find she isn’t there. 

She panics. 

_Did she leave? Oh god, what if she left? The last time Clarke left this place intoxicated and upset…_

Damn Anya and her fucking broken bell. 

“Anya!” She doesn’t care that the woman’s currently in the middle of serving someone. 

Anya jerks her head up, a little wide-eyed due to the urgency in Lexa’s tone. The glass she’s pouring uses the opportunity to throw itself from her hands and smashes over the floor. 

“Anya, did she leave?”

Anya doesn’t answer immediately much to Lexa’s dismay. The poor bartender seems to still be in shock and confusion whilst looking down and mourning her lost glass and wasted beer.

“Anya?” She knows the taller woman doesn’t deserve the irritable tone she spits at her, but she can’t think properly. 

“Uh…” Is all Anya offers whilst looking back up awkwardly at Lexa. 

Lexa doesn’t have time for this. She needs to find Clarke and make sure she hasn’t stumbled off drunk somewhere. She slides off her stool and turns herself around. 

Oh.

Clarke stands right in front of her having come from the direction of the toilets. Lexa knows by the way she’s stood with her arms crossed looking at Lexa, that she’d just witnessed her psychotic outburst. 

Well, that explains Anya’s awkwardness, now how the fuck does Lexa explain hers. 

Clarke continues to look at her questionably, her eyes still filled with sorrow though with an unmissable spark of annoyance. Lexa can just about look to her like a deer caught in headlights whilst dusting something invisible off her jacket sleeves. 

“Is there any particular reason you just nearly ripped Anya’s head off and nearly blew up your own over my using of the restroom?” 

For the umpteenth time in a matter of weeks, Lexa can feel as her jaw opens to explain, but yet again with the incapability of forming anything coherent. She stops trying as she begins to feel her embarrassment flush her cheeks over the unintelligible noises coming from her mouth.

“Not allowed to leave anywhere without a babysitter huh?” She points a harsh glare at Lexa. 

Her hands and feet start to tingle as a fresh wave of guilt and uncomfortableness washes over her. She’d been caught red-handed and Clarke is pissed. 

“Whatever, I’m not in the mood for this.” The anger fades from her voice as she drops her head slightly and turns to make her way back to her seat. “Just leave me alone and don’t bother walking or following me home today.”

As her last words, Lexa feels her whole demeanour crumble, her jaw tightening and eyebrows creasing with worry and fear. She can’t leave Clarke to go home by herself, not when she’s already intoxicated and getting ready more. 

She needs to say something. 

What though? How does she possibly explain getting ready to practically rip her top open and go all Clark Kent to find the woman? 

There’s no lie she can begin to come up with that won’t just make the situation worse. 

**_Tell her the truth, tell her you were worried._**

**No. You’re supposed to be keeping your distance. You aren’t supposed to get yourself involved any more than you need to.**

**_You do need to, you can’t leave her this way. What if something happens? You can’t lose her again._**

**She’s not even yours to lose anymore.**

Lexa swallows the lump in her throat.

Either way, it doesn’t change the thought of her being upset or something ever happening to Clarke again from hurting to the extent her heart feels as though a ton of bricks have been dropped on it. 

She looks down at her hands to see that they are trembling. She needs to get a hold of herself, she can’t do anything if her body is quivering with anxiety. She eyes the bathroom but quickly opts against it and makes her way to the door. Coldwater against her face is the last thing she needs when she’s already suffocating. She needs to breathe.

Opening the door she steps outside, the first breath she attempts is cut short as it hits an invisible wall against the back of her throat. She walks a few paces to the side of the entrance where she proceeds to face the wall and lean out against it. Both arms extended as her palms rest flatly against the wall to help keep her steady. She takes in another breath but has the same result as the previous one. 

“Please not now, I can’t lose it now” Her voice is quiet as she tries to keep herself together. 

It doesn’t help. 

**This needs to stop Lexa, you’ve already caused her so much pain.**

_“Clarke! Where the fuck is it? I already told you I don’t have a problem. I’m a fucking adult, I can drink without supervision or a fucking inquisition!” – “I tipped it away Lexa, please. I’m scared for you, let me help you…I love you.”_

_“Can we leave going out tonight? I don’t feel so great today, I’ll make it up to you another time babe I promise.” – “This was supposed to be the make up time Lexa”_

Lexa’s breathing starts to become more erratic as she continues to struggle between what’s best and what isn't. 

**_No. You can’t just think of the bad. It wasn’t always like that after the drink and you know it._**

“I can’t” Lexa chokes out a quiet sob. She never allows herself to think back on the good times after the drinking started. She often forgets about them, it’s so much easier to punish herself by reminding and replaying the times she hurt Clarke. 

**_You have to. She needs you tonight. You can’t be in this state. Think Lexa, remember the times you were there and pull yourself together._**

Lexa nods to herself as more tears roll down her cheeks. 

After over a year of nothing but voices from her flashbacks echoing back and forth and mainly having just her only company during it. She’d become somewhat used to the voices in her head at times where she loses control. She’d listened to the back and forth between her head and heart. Lately though, they’d been more vocal and alive than ever, and she was confused about which was her head and which her heart. She doesn’t know which is right. 

For now, she decides to listen to the latter. She needs to get herself out of this state of guilt long enough to keep herself together in front of Clarke. She closes her eyes so tight she starts to see white speckles below her eyelids as she tries to recall times she hadn’t been cruel. 

_“Oh my god Lexa this is so beautiful, I love you so much…thank you…uh, question though. How many candles have you used?” – “I love you too Clarke. I just wanted to show you how much you mean to me, I know I’m not easy, but you continue to love me regardless and I just…I really fucking love you. Oh and 204”_

_“Lexa, are you awake? I just had another dream about my dad.” – “Shh. I’m awake my love, it’s ok I’ve got you. Would you like to talk about it? Or would you prefer I just hold you and we can talk about it in the morning if you prefer?”_

_“What are you doing here!? I thought you had some sort of meeting about that business you’re interested in and won’t tell me about. Ugh, you know what, I don’t even care. I just care you are here. Thank you so much, you don’t know how much it means that you came.” – “I told you I’d tell you should everything go through, but that could take a few months or so. Anyway, I’d already rescheduled it, but I wanted to surprise you. You’re my world Clarke and I wouldn’t miss your first art unveiling for anything, or any future ones for that matter. So, get over that sexy ass over there and let me watch you in action whilst you wow people with your art…I’ve booked us a table at your favourite place to celebrate after too.”_

Lexa may not have been able to put the bottle down 90% of the time. She may have also allowed it to ruin what could have been many amazing moments between her and Clarke. She certainly allowed it to eventually assist with breaking the two of them beyond repair. 

But up until the end, there were a few things she never allowed the bottle to control. 

She never allowed it to stop her being there for Clarke after waking from a bad dream. It didn’t matter how hungover, tired or drunk Lexa was at the time. She’d always ensure she held her ex-lover and whisper comforting words and reassurances into her ear until she fell back asleep where she’d sleep soundly until the next morning in Lexa’s arms.

she never allowed it to stop her from attending anything regarding the woman’s art career. She’d never let herself drink to a state of drunkenness on such occasions. Chances were, she’d probably drink once they got back or have a few drinks before the event. But she was always of a sober mind for the event itself. Always fully aware and basking in pride over Clarke using what little time she had spare to create such intricate art. 

The last thing she didn’t allow, was for it to stop her pulling her head out her ass and coming to her senses from time to time. She’d use these moments trying to atone for the mistakes she kept making and reminding Clarke just how much she loved her. 

Through all of Lexa’s problems and times of shitty behaviour, the love she had for Clarke was never one of the things she questioned in her mind. She knew she loved Clarke. She just didn’t know how to stop herself falling into a pit of peril. 

**_You could do it then Lexa, you can do it now._**

“No!” She slaps her hand off the wall, ignoring the scrape she receives from the graveled brick. “No…” she repeats quieter. “It isn’t right.” 

**No, it isn’t.**

**_This isn’t about right or wrong. Don’t leave her to mourn her dad alone again!_**

The last word hits with such force, it nearly knocks Lexa to the floor.

Again. 

Because she’d already done it, right before their breakup. 

She won’t do it, not to the woman she loves, not again. 

“Ok” She sucks in a determined breath that manages to break through the invisible block this time.

**No Lexa, this is absurd.**

“Just one night.” She assures herself, though she doesn’t hear the actual words leave her lips, her voice too scared and fragile to be audible.

Pushing herself away from the wall, she wipes away at her tears. Taking a few minutes to allow the redness she knows surrounds her eyes to fade before walking back to the door of the bar. As she places her hand against it ready to push open, she tunes out the remaining objections in her head as best she can and steps back inside. 

Clarke is sitting back at her seat with a fresh beer in hand. She appears oblivious to Lexa as the brunette walks towards her, only noticing her as she takes residence on the stool beside her. Blue eyes turn towards her, scanning Lexa’s face. 

“I’m sorry” She clears her throat as her voice still comes out nervous and uncertain. “I just…I noticed you seemed to be upset the moment you got here, and then I saw you drinking…” She trails off whilst tapping her fingers on the bar anxiously. It doesn’t help that Clarke’s gaze on her doesn’t falter. “When I saw you were gone, I thought maybe you had left and taken to walking home by yourself and I was” She pauses suddenly as she just manages to catch herself just in time to stop herself telling the other woman how she was worried. 

The way Clarke’s features seem to turn to that of confusion, tells her she didn’t stop herself in time. 

“I really can’t figure you out.” Clarke replies whilst seemingly looking at Lexa more attentively. 

“Pffft welcome to the club blondie, been trying to figure that one out a year myself” Anya seems to look thoughtful for a moment. “I’ve got as far as whiskey” She turns to Lexa then. “I’m adding that drink I was pouring for Matty on your tab by the way.” 

“It’s Marcus” The guy says though he doesn’t look up. 

“Whatever” Say’s Anya as she gives Lexa an encouraging smile before scurrying off to the other end of the bar. 

Lexa finds herself grateful to the woman yet again, she knows Anya had probably picked up on the atmosphere brewing between them again and threw her a bone. She looks back at Clarke who’s now taken to looking back at her bottle. 

“It’s my dad’s birthday today” Clarke finally says after a few moments of silence. 

Lexa pretends to adjust herself on the seat to mask her discomfort. After all, she already knows. What she doesn’t know though, is how much of him Clarke remembers. She’d kept her words vague and not really given Lexa anything to respond to just yet, she’d only mentioned a birthday, not that he was dead.

“Oh?” It’s the only thing she can think to say. It doesn’t ask any questions that warrant any awkward answers per say, and it leaves the door open for Clarke to step through should she choose to. 

Clarke seems to expect nothing more off Lexa though and she offers her a small knowing smile whilst rolling her eye playfully. “I kind of figured you’d be a woman of few words, you seem more of the quiet listening type” Lexa looks down starts to play with a beer mat. “Well anyway, he’s dead.” 

She winces at the way Clarke's manner and voice sound so detached from the actual reality her words hold, the way she says it as though it’s nothing more than fact as opposed to a feeling. 

“I’m sorry” Lexa offers sincerely. She taps the mat against the bar a few times as she takes a moment to choose her next words. 

Having any conversation like this with someone is hard enough. The awkwardness of not knowing if what you say will be the right or wrong thing. Not knowing if you will bring up a sore subject when enquiring about the person they lost. However, already knowing everything regarding her dad’s death, already knowing all about the man and already knowing the circumstances regarding Clarke has Lexa feeling all the more uncertain as to what to say. 

It's clear that Clarke wants to continue the conversation though, it’d been obvious from the way she’d opened up the moment Lexa had apologised and sat beside her. So Lexa needs to find something more to say that will let the blonde know she can continue. 

“Were you close?” 

In the second it takes for Lexa’s mouth to open and spill the three words, is the same second her stomach clenches uncomfortably. What kind of question is that to ask a woman she isn’t even sure can remember her dad? 

“Yeah, we were” Clarke replies confidently whilst concentrating on peeling another label off a bottle. 

Lexa’s eyes widen in surprise slightly. Maybe she remembers him after all. 

If she does, what else does she remember? 

“At least, that’s what I’ve been told and seen in pictures” She looks back up at Lexa, giving the brunette no room for error with her reaction. She does her best to keep the guilt off her face and instead, to look somewhat confused by Clarke's comment. 

She knows she could easily go for the line, ‘were you young when it happened?’. But she’s already misleading Clarke in her knowledge regarding the incident and doesn’t want to do so when it isn’t necessary and there are other ways to steer the conversation.

Before she has time to come back with a reply, Clarke places her beer down on the bar and starts reaching her hand out towards Lexa.

Lexa’s heart gets caught in her throat as she watches Clarke’s hand lower, the pad of her finger coming to a rest atop of Lexa’s thigh where her metal rod is placed. Her face displaying nothing more than inquisitiveness as she begins to trace her finger gently down the length of where Lexa’s leg is broken. By the time Clarke gets to just above Lexa’s knee she looks deep in thought. 

Lexa just looks like a woman that believes she may very well be dying.

She holds her breath and can only hope Clarke can’t feel the heat that radiates from where she leaves a trail of burning skin in her wake. Her hands begin to fidget profusely with something, though she can’t focus enough to know exactly what. 

“I was in a car accident too” Her finger veers off to the side of Lexa’s leg where the blonde finally removes it and goes back to her bottle. 

Lexa attempts to control her erratic breathing, though is almost certain she’s doing an appalling job. “I…uh...” She rubs her hand over the area Clarke had briefly occupied to try and rid herself of the distracting burn still present. 

It’s not the first time Clarke had touched her since the day she’d passed out. Accidental brushes here and there as they walked home or sat next to each other, but it’s certainly the most unexpected and intimate in terms of area. 

Clarke looks down to where Lexa can feel her hands still fidgeting, a smirk appearing on her lips a moment later. Lexa follows her line of sight, eager for the distraction but also curious as to what has the blonde smirking during such a serious conversation. She looks down to see a deceased beer mat in about 20’000 pieces that her hands still fiddle with. 

Lexa doesn’t know what part of her believes her next move to be a logical solution, but unfortunate to her, she’s still lacking it from the moment Clarke had trailed her finger down her broken leg. The moment she sees what she’s done and how it must look for the blonde to be smirking, she swishes her hand across the bar and catapults the pieces away. 

She watches on helplessly as her ‘masterplan’ falls apart in a spectacular way. Bits fly everywhere. Over the bar, over the floor, one piece landing in the same unimpressed customers frothy beer from earlier as they watch in horror whilst the cardboard piece is swallowed, disappearing momentarily before emerging out from beneath the froth and gracefully drifts it’s way to the bottom of the glass. 

The next thing she notices is Anya’s furious glare as more pieces fall to her feet where she’d just been cleaning again. She doesn’t appear to notice the piece that claims squatter’s rights as it floats into her wavy curls. Too set on looking at Lexa like she’s about to leap over the bar and demand hand to hand combat. 

“That mat is going on to your tab.” Her voice at tone is calm and void of anger, but the way her jaw sets as her teeth clench tells anyone watching she is anything but. “And so is Melvin’s drink”

“It’s Marcus” He corrects deadpan. 

“Whatever Marty, do you want another drink or not?” 

He waves a hand up in surrender. 

Lexa nods eagerly in agreement like a scolded child as she still feels too mortified to do anything else. 

“Wow” She hears Clarke giggling beside her. “That’s the best thing I’ve seen in a while, I’ve decided you can stay seated and keep me company for a bit after all”

Lexa doesn’t question the fact that Clarke points out she’s only just made up her mind of having Lexa sit with her and just turns the head that’s still nodding at Anya to face her instead. 

The two of them fall back into silence shortly after. The incident having completely thrown Lexa off course and scaring her into both silence and stillness. She watches on as Clarke finishes another two bottles of beer, her movements becoming somewhat more disordered and uncertain as the effects of alcohol sink in more. Lexa worries but remains close by as she waits for Clarke to decidedly call it a night.

“I don’t remember any of it” 

Lexa turns to face her, her face laced with sorrow. She’d began to think Clarke wasn’t going to go any further on their earlier brief conversation and found herself somewhat grateful of it. The thought of the clueless woman in front of her, confiding in the woman who’d been the cause for it all doesn’t sit right with her. Talking about Clarke’s dad is one thing, still so wrong, but the accident.

The accident is her fault. 

She notices how the alcohol has caused the blonde’s pupils to become more dilated and glazed over since the last time their eyes met. For a moment, she contemplates the idea of seeing if she can persuade Clarke to call it a night. But the longer she silently holds the gaze of the woman she loves so dearly, the more pain she sees seeping through the cracks of her blue eyes. It washes over Lexa, drowning out every thought and voice objecting against engaging in the conversation, until all she’s left with, is the overwhelming urge to do everything she can to make Clarke feel better. 

Just this once. 

“The accident?” Lexa’s careful to keep it more of a question than a statement as she asks. 

“Yeah” Clarke nods. “Or anything else before it either” She adds on as she takes another sip. “My entire life really”

Lexa exhales a shaky breath and begins to bounce her leg anxiously. 

Has Clarke really not gained anything back, after all this time? 

“Nothing at all?” This time Lexa’s question is genuine if not a little too desperate. Clarke doesn’t appear to pick up on her behaviour though, but Lexa is all too aware how alcohol can make you oblivious to what’s right in front of you. 

“Not really” She lifts her arm and taps her finger to the side of her head a few times. “Retrograde and dissociative amnesia” The words come out sounding rehearsed, as though something she has to tell people over and over again. 

Though Lexa had somewhat willingly delved herself into this conversation, knowing she’d inevitably hear things she’d find hard to swallow and likely choke on. She’d up until this point, still held hope that perhaps Clarke had regained some of her memories back, a sign that maybe one day, Clarke would gain her life back. 

Hope is dangerous. 

The last time Lexa had seen Clarke after the accident, was the day Abby had told her about the suspected Amnesia’s. After she’d told Lexa to leave and not come back, Lexa went home and read all about it for hours, she needed to understand the true extent of what it meant and could mean for her lover in the future. 

Retrograde Amnesia - The loss of events or/and information before the injury or diseases in some cases happened. Some cases could only take bits of memory and information away. 

Clarkes had taken everything. 

Dissociative amnesia – A memory disorder that can come from having retrograde amnesia, it causes the person to lose personal information such as friends, family and even the person itself.

Clarke had also lost everything. 

Both types sometimes only temporary of days or months, whereas others can remain for much longer. 

From her lack of response, she watches as Clarke’s mouth opens as she goes to what Lexa guesses, explain what they both are. 

“I uh, I’ve read about those” She saves Clarke from having to explain more rehearsed lines. 

The blonde looks slightly surprised by Lexa’s response but gives her a nod. 

“I do have some things back, but not much” She shrugs her shoulders at the words not much. 

Lexa can’t help but naively clutch back hold of the same hope she’d had minutes prior to the conversation. 

“What do you remember?” 

“Uh, I eventually remembered some of my friends and family I guess.” She sighs heavily. “Well, I mean I come to recognise them in some way anyway, they’d already been introduced to me for a while. So, I already knew their names, but as time went on I kind of began to recognise them and not just because I’d been told.” She shakes her head at herself in frustration. “Sorry I bet I’m not even making sense right now, it’s hard to explain. I don’t even know why I brought it up.” Another sip of beer. 

“No please” Lexa answers immediately from seeing Clarke who appears to feel silly for her attempt of explanation. She sits herself up a little straighter to demonstrate her want to listen. “Don’t be sorry, you can tell me. You don’t sound stupid don’t worry, I understand what you are trying to say.” 

“Are you ok?” Clarke asks her concernedly. 

Lexa pauses for a moment and sits in confusion, it’s only until she feels a tear roll down her cheek she realises why the blonde asked. She wipes it away with a harshness that nearly gauges her eye out as she does so. “Shit, uh yeah. Sorry. It just took me back to this” She says whilst laying her palm on her leg. 

She isn’t lying. The entire time Clarke had been talking, Lexa had thought about nothing else other than how it’s her fault. How Clarke is hurting because of her and how of all people it’s Lexa she’s sat spilling her heart out too. Could this get any more wrong? 

“Oh, sorry I didn’t think, I should stop.” 

“No, honestly, I want you to talk to me” 

_Talk to me._

_And I will listen to every soul-numbing consequence of my actions, I’ll sit here and add to the weight of guilt already on my shoulders. I’ll do it, if even there’s the smallest chance you may leave with yours a little lighter._

Clarke must sense the sincerity in her voice as she gives an ‘ok’ and proceeds. 

“So, I guess I started to know people. I remembered their birthdays, middle names, little bits like that, but I just don’t actually physically remember nothing of them. I don’t remember meeting them, I don’t remember going to school with them. I don’t even remember school actually, so I guess that’s not really that surprising.” She throws a small smile Lexa’s way, but Lexa feels the weight of Clarke's words and she sees how they weigh down on her attempted smile too much to be even remotely passible as a genuine one to anyone who pays enough attention. 

Deflecting pain and hurt through other means and methods. She sarcastically wonders to herself where she’s seen that before. 

“Do you remember anything else?” She keeps her tone void of any humour Clarke had tried to insert into the conversation. 

“A little, I remember bits of knowledge here and there about random things. First aid and other medical stuff being one of them, not much to really be useful though and not something I’d ever advise to anyone. I worry that things I remember are actually different snippets mashed in with each other. I could end up trying to give mouth to mouth to someone who actually just has a broken toe or something.” She smiles again at her own joke and proceeds to roll her eyes playfully at Lexa who fails to share the humour again. 

“There really isn’t much more. But I guess I’m getting by, I mean it only really becomes an issue in certain situations. Like when you have to start trying all the foods you don’t like again. It must have taken me years to perfect it and now I’m having to start over again. I imagine I’d make for an awful date, I’d be spitting out food everywhere like a toddler and racking up a pretty expensive bill in an attempt at finding something I like again.” She giggles again before hiccupping into her bottle as she goes to take another swig. 

Lexa throws her a troubled look. 

“Relax will you, I’m fine, I’m ok. So just enjoy my damn jokes will you” She grins. 

“Stop.” Lexa takes hold of Clarke's bottle and places it on the bar. She’s 99% sure Clarke is not as stupid as Lexa is to set herself on the same path she did. But she knows inner turmoil when she sees it. She also knows a mask trying to cover it when she sees one and she knows that masking and pretending whilst seeking out the thrill of an alcohol-induced mind isn’t a healthy or smart thing to do. “You’re not ok” She says matter of factly. 

“What would you know?” Lexa pulls her hand back from the bottle as Clarke lifts it defensively to her lips again. 

“Because people who are ok, don’t come to sit alone drinking in a shitty bar-“ 

“Hey!” 

“Sorry Anya” She says without looking away from Clarke before continuing “…In a shitty bar on the birthday of someone they lost, regardless of whether you remember him or not when you could be around people who love you and may perhaps like to be with you during this time.” 

What happens next leaves Lexa paralyzed. 

She hears as Anya huffs over her choice of words again and then suddenly Clarke is launching herself into Lexa’s arms. The weight of the woman who she’d carried many of times with ease, slams against her like a ten-ton wrecking ball. The frame of the woman that once fit so perfectly against hers, now so out of place against her own rigid one. 

Lexa’s body goes up in flames as her skin burns against Clarke's touch. She doesn’t dare breathe, in fear her throat and lungs will rupture and split as they collapse in on themselves. 

Her mouth though dry, begins to water at the back of her throat as the familiar sensation of sickness starts to bubble violently. With her eyes, she looks around the room, hoping for an escape and something to get the blonde off her before Lexa loses it completely. From what she can see without turning her head, the bar now appears to be empty, Anya the only thing in site who can help her. 

As she meets her eyes, she finds Anya is already looking over having heard the commotion. All Lexa can do is look at her with utmost desperation. At first, Anya shakes her head and gestures to Clarke for Lexa to just comfort her. But as she sees Lexa visibly pale further at her refusal to help and how the brunette starts to sweat at the forehead whilst looking on the verge of passing out. Anya seems to realise the severity of Lexa’s state of desperation. 

She begins to make her way over from the other side of the bar. 

Lexa watches her every step, doing everything she can to keep herself stable enough to hold her and Clarke up whilst also trying to hold herself together. As Anya gets a couple of steps away, she feels a single tear fall onto her neck from where Clarke has her head tucked into her shoulders. 

The world goes still. 

The only thing she hears is the silent sniffle coming from the woman clinging to her for comfort. 

The only thing she feels is the single tear as it rolls down past her collarbone. 

Clarke's tear. 

Clarke who’s the only person she can see, feel and hear as the world around them slips away into darkness. 

As the tear continues to trail down her skin, it appears to dowse out everything along with it. The flames that lick at her skin, the panic that hammers at her chest, the shortness of breath from her constricted lungs. Her mind goes numb, there’s just Clarke. 

The precious woman in her arms, the woman she still doesn’t know how she’s supposed to die without. Her best friend. Her lover. 

The woman who right now at this moment. Needs someone. 

_**_Just be here for her Lexa._** _

_She sucks in a quivering breath as she lifts her arm to place a hand comfortingly against Clarkes back. The touch is hesitant and timid at first, but the moment her palm touches the surface of Clarkes back and lays flat against it. The blonde appears to sob a little harder as her hands grasp tightly to the back of Lexa’s jacket and Lexa does what she’s been trying not to do since Clarke first walked in upset._

__

She loses the fight. 

__

Her body stops pretending it doesn’t know every contour, curve and dip of the woman who clings to her and finally allows her to sink into the familiarity of her ex-lover. She presses Clarke closer to her and curls herself around the trembling blonde just as fiercely as Clarke molds to her. She latches on to the familiar scent of Clarke's perfume and can’t stop herself inhaling it until her lungs feel become intoxicated with the sweet smell of the woman for who they continued to breathe for. Her hands begin to rub soothing patterns across the back of the blonde to calm her. 

__

Gloomy forest eyes start filling with tears that threaten to spill again, tears because the woman she loves is in her arms shedding her own, tears because she’s clinging to Lexa just like she used to. 

__

Tears, because she’s simply fucking missed her more than she can almost bear. 

__

She squeezes them together tightly, blocking out everything that isn’t Clarke. She hadn’t fully realised how much her body had been dying without the woman who gave it love and life until now. 

__

Had it really been a year? 

__

It couldn’t have been. Because holding Clarke again, feeling how she warms the very depth of Lexa’s soul. Provides her with the air she needs to breathe and causes the beat in her heart that keeps her alive, there’s no way she’d have survived a year without her. 

__

She knows more than anyone how utterly wrong she is for this. She’ll also accept any punishment hell will surely inflict upon her come the day she dies, because out of every thought and emotion flashing through her. The only one she can really focus on. Is how it feels so good to be soaked up in Clarke's form again. 

__

She’s as bad as they come. 

__

Somehow, she manages to keep her tears at bay and continues to hold Clarke until she feels the blonde slowly pull back away from her. She watches as she wipes away at her tear stained face then looks to Lexa. 

__

“Sorry, I think maybe I shouldn’t have drunk” 

__

“It’s ok” She breathes quietly “It’s better to let it out.” 

__

Clarke does her best to give Lexa a kind smile. “I know it’s bad I’m not there. And you are right. I know they want to be with me right now. But I’m not the Clarke they knew and It’s hard to be with people I’m supposed to know in a different way than I actually do.” She drinks the remainder of her bottle. Her hands shaking slightly. 

__

“They all tiptoe around me and act like I’m supposed to be mourning just as much as they are, but the truth is. I don’t’ know how I feel. I don’t know how I’m supposed to mourn a man I can’t remember. I don’t have the memories they do. I don’t remember him at all but just like with everything else. I feel like they expect me to react in certain ways about things.” 

__

Her words have a noticeable slur to them as she continues, but the sadness and hopeless anger they hold still resounds as clear as day. 

__

She looks at Lexa again, her expression flooded with conflicted emotions. 

__

“They want me to remember, they want the woman they knew and loved, not the one who’s a stranger in a familiar vessel aimlessly lurking around them. It got too much for me. It’s why I started to come here. I just wanted somewhere to get away, so I started walking one day and I found myself here.” She sniffles a little, wiping the last of her tears. “When I come here, nobody knows me, they don’t expect the Clarke Griffin they once knew to be anyone, because either I’m the only Clarke they’ve seen, or they are too busy to even notice me full stop.” 

__

Lexa has to stop herself from clutching at her heart as it starts bleeding out pain and guilt. 

__

_Not yet Lexa, don’t break yet._

__

“You know, maybe they don’t expect anything from you.” Lexa clears her throat. 

__

Ok so maybe Abby did if she’s anything like before, but Lexa knows the other people in her life would never expect anything from Clarke. 

__

“Maybe it’s what you have convinced yourself of, of what you think they want. I’m sure be it you from before or you now. I’m willing to bet they love either version of you. You’re a good person.” She realises her slip up a moment too late. “You seem like one anyway, I can only imagine what those who have the fortune of knowing you think about you.” Clarke’s smile is fuller this time as he cheeks blush slightly. “You should talk to them, I’m sure they’d understand and put your mind at rest. I’m sure they don’t want you to remember because they dislike this Clarke, maybe they want you to remember so you remember how much you mean to them and how much they love you.” 

__

“Thank you.” Clarke leans forward a little closer to Lexa. “I’d tell you how you’re actually pretty sweet, despite having concerns you may also be involved with the mafia, but I suddenly feel rather drunk and I think I should get home” 

__

“Ok” Lexa blushes. “I’ll walk you” 

__

“Yes mam” Clarke attempts a salute, but completely miss judges her mark in her drunken state and pokes herself in the eye. 

__

She giggles to herself whilst wiping her eye gently. When she looks back at Lexa, her features straighten. 

__

“Why don’t you smile? I’ve never seen you smile.” She begins to look at Lexa a little harder whilst tilting her head to the side slightly like a curious puppy. 

__

Lexa ignores the question. “Come on, let’s get you home.” 

__

Clarke rolls her eyes playfully. “Fine, god you’re so mysterious. I’m gonna figure you out one day.” She smiles proudly. “But first I’m going to pee” 

__

Lexa watches as she sways to her feet and reaches an arm out to steady her. “You going to be ok getting over there?” 

__

Clarke nods enthusiastically. “I will, I’ll be back in a sec.” 

__

Lexa watches her with careful eyes as she makes her way to the restroom, only walking into 3 stools as she does so. 

__

“You know, she’s not the only one” Says Anya now walking over to Lexa. 

__

“Huh?” 

__

“Who’s going to figure you out” She says matter of factly. “I’ll figure you out too one day, quit with the bullshit in saying whatever it is with this woman is nothing.” 

__

Lexa scowls. “I’m just being friendly Anya, she’s upset I couldn’t just ignore her, it IS nothing” She emphasises her last words. 

__

“Oh, you poor, poor child.” She shakes her head sympathetically at Lexa. “Comforting a damsel in distress could very well be passed off as ‘being friendly’, that much I can agree with. But when it’s you who does it when you’ve ignored plenty others, it's not nothing. When you nearly pass out the first moment they reach out to you only to end up comforting the person back as though it’s their comfort you need just as much as they yours. It’s not nothing.” She moves her arm to tap it on the bar as she watches the brunette about to protest. “And this, this is definitely not nothing.” 

__

Lexa looks down to where Anya is tapping to see her drink. 

__

She still very much full drink. 

__

Any protest she’s about to come up with dies in her throat as she stares incredulously at her drink. 

__

“I put that there for you after you came back to sit next to her, that was over an hour and a half ago. You haven’t even touched a drop.” 

__

Lexa really can’t do anything but stare, she hadn’t even thought about her drink. She’d sat and even watched Clarke drink hers and not once did she even think about her own. She’d been too focused on Clarke. 

__

“For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you” 

__

She doesn’t pay mind to Anya as she walks off again. She just continues to look at her drink. It’d been the longest she hadn’t drunk besides sleeping for over a year now. 

__

“Ready”

__

Lexa jumps slightly as she hadn’t even noticed Clarke's return. 

__

“Uh ok, yeah. Let’s go” 

__

The two of them leave the bar and start their usual route back. Around 10 minutes into the walk, Lexa notices as Clarke becomes a little giddier and slurred. She can only guess it’s due to the alcohol hitting her system harder after stepping outside. There are a few times Lexa has to turn the blonde in the correct direction as she begins to wander off but for the most part, her uncoordinated walking isn’t too bad. 

__

“You know, I’ve been wondering” Says Clarke as she turns her head to look at Lexa. 

__

“What’s that?” 

__

“Doesn’t your partner mind that you spend all night at a bar and then walk someone else home?” 

__

Lexa doesn’t answer straight away. She contemplates on how to reply, it’s not something she had expected Clarke to ask. But now she has, she can’t help but wonder if the reason she asks is that she feels guilty over taking some of Lexa’s time at the end of the night off someone else. 

__

“I don’t have one” She answers not entirely able to keep the sadness of its truth from spilling off her tongue. 

__

“But I thought you said you had someone you lived with.” 

__

She’d forgotten about that. 

__

“I guess I lied.” She says simply. What else can she say? 

__

“I’ve kind of suspected as much, you seem too lonely for someone who has someone to go home to.” She pauses a moment as though contemplating on her next words. “Why did you lie?” She asks a few moments later. 

__

Lexa shrugs guiltily. “I guess I didn’t think you’d leave if I didn’t.” 

__

Clarke appears to be a little hurt by Lexa’s confession but seems to realise that it was from when they first met. Things are different now. “Well, I mean. If you don’t have anyone, I’d like to be your friend.” Her grin is proud and almost childlike as though she’d just offered Lexa the winning lottery numbers that will change the brunette’s life for the better. 

__

As Lexa is about to reply, she hears a ringtone go off that isn’t her own. Clarke fumbles clumsily through her pockets, plucking a phone out and proceeds to answer it. 

__

“Hellllllllllooooo” 

__

Lexa can’t hear the person on the other end so continues to walk whilst listening to Clarke. 

__

“I’m walking back to my house now.” She says to the person on the other end. 

__

“Yes, I may have had a bottle or two, maybe more.” 

__

“No, It’s ok I’m good.” 

__

“Raven relax, I’m not on my own, I have an escort.” Lexa watches as her eyes widen and he cheeks flush “No not that type of escort.” She lowers her voice to an attempted whisper and turns away from Lexa. “They are very attractive though.” 

__

Lexa completely misses Clarke's confession of attraction towards her, she missed everything after she’d heard Raven's name. It’s like a bubble she hadn’t realised had surrounded the two of them bursts, and with it, every sound, sight, and feel of reality comes screaming back into her head. 

__

The reality that although she hadn’t forgotten the things she’d done. Tonight, she’d allowed herself to be closer to Clarke than she should have. To feel less of what she’s doing is wrong and more of why she’d been doing it was right. 

__

But it’s not right. She should have known better. 

__

“No, it’s not a random stranger. Their name is uh…” Clarke falters as she realises she doesn’t even know Lexa’s name. “Psst, what’s your name?” Again, Clarkes attempts to whisper but Lexa is certain Raven can hear her. She’s going to be pissed. “My friend is worried I’m being walked home by a psycho killer, I’m trying to convince her you’re not but it’s hard to without a name.” 

__

Shit, if Raven finds out it’s her. It will cause so much shit for everyone. It’s the last thing they need on a night of Jakes birthday. 

__

She keeps her voice low enough to know Raven won’t hear her voice. “It’s uh, Alex. My names Alex.” It wasn’t a complete lie, it was short for Alexandria just as Lexa is. 

__

“Ok” Clarke grins happily from ear to ear. She goes back to her phone with her shit-eating grin still on her face as though ready to prove to her friend she does, in fact, know the person walking her home. “Alex” She says with a hint of defiance and a nod for good measure as though talking to a parent. 

__

Clarke goes silent for a moment as she listens to Raven, her face drops a little before she huffs in submission. “Fine.” She huffs. “We’re on fifth, I’ll see you soon” 

__

‘See you soon’? 

__

_Fuck._

__

“So, my friend heard me ask you your name, she must have a super good hearing because I specifically remember whispering. Anyway, she’s worried that I’m drunk and walking with a potential Ted Bundy? she’s coming to pick me up.” 

__

How could she have been so stupid again? 

__

“I can ask her to drop you back too if you want?” Clarke offers. 

__

“No” 

__

Clarke winces at the abruptness but doesn’t say anything about it. 

__

“Ok, well I guess. I’m going to wait here for her, so you can go if you like” She walks over to the nearest wall and shuffles herself down it, her knees pulled up as he arms rest against them. 

__

Lexa’s initial thoughts are to ask how long it will take Raven to get here and to leave a minute or two before she arrives. 

__

**No Lexa, this can’t go on, how much further are you willing to let this go?**

__

It has. Going back to two weeks ago to tonight, they’d already changed in the way they behave with each other. Clarke was confiding in her and more so, Lexa had encouraged it up to the point Clarke had sought comfort in her. It wasn’t supposed to go this far. Clarke wasn’t supposed to have come back time and time again. 

__

She’d been looking for a way to put an end to it, maybe this was it. If she allows Raven to see her then it’d be the end to this for sure. Raven was Clarke’s best friend. If she has the opportunity to have it be Raven find out whilst she’s without the others, there’s less likely to be drama in front of Clarke. She’s sure out of them all, Raven is the one who will keep her cool when she realises who Clarke is with, at least in front of the blonde anyway. She’d be able to very quickly and quietly explain to Raven the basics of the situation as Clarke gets in the car and get her to have a private word with the others to find a way to put an end to Clarke’s visits. 

__

She can’t continue to deceive Clarke anymore, She won’t carry this on, tonight it ends. 

__

She plops herself down next to Clarke. “It’s ok, I’ll wait with you” 

__

The small smile of happiness Clarke gives her in response leaves her feeling sick again. Is this the last time she’ll ever get to see it? 

__

She should feel grateful in some sick twisted way really, she’d still managed to see it more than she ever thought she would. She’d seen and felt many things she shouldn’t have ever had the chance to again. 

__

Clarke's laugh. Her terrible jokes. Her awkward shyness. Her soft hands. Her warmth, and most recently her care and comfort. 

__

Thinking about it again sends a flurry of butterflies fluttering around her stomach, her skin still tingling as it relives all the ways Clarke made it feel. Then she remembers how it’ll never be again and how it should never have been in the first place and those same butterflies turn into vultures as they begin to eat away at her from the inside. 

__

"Thank you for tonight Alex” Lexa clenches her fists in guilt as she hears the unfamiliar term of her name be directed towards her. She also notices the way the name comes off Clarke's tongue awkwardly. As though not sitting right with her. 

__

“No problem” She whispers. She hopes Clarke can hear her, she really doesn’t have it in her to talk any louder. 

__

Clarke seems to pick up on the change and the way the air around them appears to thicken and her drunken humour turns to that of a more inquisitive and concerned expression. 

__

“What happened to you?” 

__

Lexa turns her head to where she’s greeted to Clarke giving her another of her intense gazes. 

__

“I don’t understand” She lies. 

__

Clarke looks down nervously as though considering on if she should continue or not. When she looks back up to Lexa, Lexa can see she’s decided to go through with it. 

__

“You’re so broken.” There’s no question to her words. 

__

Lexa nods in agreeance, there’s no point in lying. If she’s bringing an end to it tonight. Clarke doesn’t deserve her last words to be those of lies. She’d lied enough. 

__

“I lost someone, I hurt them in ways they didn’t deserve. I was stupid, selfish and heartless.” She lets out a shaky sigh. “I broke them.” 

__

“You still love them” Again, it isn’t a question. 

__

“Yes” She looks to Clarke instinctively. “I always will” 

__

“Do you think this is what they’d want?” She leans her head back against the wall whilst still looking at Lexa. “For you to live the way you do because of it” She clarifies. 

__

Lexa scans Clarkes face a moment, she already knows the answer. Clarke’s the kindest person she’s ever known. 

__

“No, she’s a much better person than I could ever be, her heart is kind.” 

__

“Her?” 

__

Lexa nods her head at Clarke as the blonde seems to dip her head a little of embarrassment from her accidental outburst of surprise. 

__

“Uh, if you believe that, then why do you still punish yourself?” 

__

“Because I’m guilty of so many wrongs against her. I lied to her, about the drinking, she never even knew why it started. She blamed herself and she never found out otherwise. I hurt her so much. I nearly ki-“ Lexa stops herself. “Just because she wouldn’t want me like this, it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t deserve it, sometimes people are just too nice to those who don’t deserve it that’s all.” 

__

Clarke sits forward off the wall and shuffles her body around slightly so she faces Lexa. 

__

“Back there, you told me it’s better to let it out and talk to people. Did you say that because you never told her about the drink and things?” Lexa can’t find it in herself to be surprised at how Clarke can still read her. 

__

She nods in confirmation. “Partly yes, I tried once, but something happened, and she never got to hear it.” 

__

“Would you try again if you could?” 

__

Lexa shifts uncomfortably whilst placing her face in her hands to hide the emotions she feels surfacing. “Yes.” She muffles into them. 

__

“So why don’t you?” 

__

“I can’t” She thinks of a way to put it to Clarke. “She’s kind of really far away, so far, that it’s very likely I’ll never see her again.” 

__

“So tell me then.” 

__

Lexa frowns slightly. “Why?” 

__

“I know I’m not her” Lexa’s heart skips a beat. “but if you never got to tell her and you think you may never have the chance to, maybe it’ll help to say them to someone else. Just get them off your chest, better to have them spill out freely into the night than to have them trapped inside you. It might make you feel better.” 

__

“I don’t want help to feel better” She admits. 

__

“Come on, you got me to talk earlier. Just give it a go. What have you got to lose?” 

__

_Nothing._

__

She has absolutely nothing left to lose. All she had was Clarke, but she lost her. 

__

Then Clarke came back and all she has again is her, but even that was about to come to an end for the second time. Maybe she’ll never get the opportunity to tell Clarke again, even if she doesn’t understand the words are meant for her. Maybe the Clarke that does remember is still hidden somewhere under all the confusion and damage. Maybe somehow, she’ll still hear, or one day should she ever remember, she’ll remember these words to accompany the memories. 

__

She takes in an unsteady breath and looks straight into blue eyes that look right back to her. 

__

“I’d tell her that I’m sorry, how she’s the love of my life and I never meant to hurt her.” She doesn’t notice the tears that start to fall. “That she was right the whole time, I had a drinking problem and I put it before us. The last two times I saw her I’ll never forget or forgive myself for, because they were the moments that I hurt her the most. If she ever wants to hear the truth about my drinking, I’ll tell her, because I can’t bear the thought she may ever blame herself again. I want her to have all the happiness life can give her, because god does she deserve it, I’m just sorry I wasn’t the one capable of giving that to her.” She diverts her gaze away from Clarke and up to the stars, knowing she can’t say the next words whilst looking at her without giving everything away. “There will never be another. I love you so much, I’ll never forget you. Even if you have me.” 

__

“You know what I think” says Clarke as she wipes a tear from Lexa’s face. “I think if you ever do get the chance, you should tell her, if she loved you as much as your tears show she did. And if she’s as kind as your words say her to be. I think she’d listen and maybe help give you the closure you need.” 

__

“You don’t understand what I did” Lexa shakes her head bitterly. 

__

“Tell me” 

__

Lexa knows she can’t tell her about the crash, she’d already mentioned it to Clarke once, she doesn’t want to risk mentioning it in depth and having the woman put two and two together. But she can tell her the other thing she did. The thing that ate away at her more than anything else. The thing that really broke Clarke’s heart. 

__

“I-”Clarke's ring tone blows up making the two of them jump, it seems so much louder in the whispered atmosphere they’d been in. 

__

“Hey” Clarke answers throwing an apologetic look at Lexa. “No, I said fifth, not sixth…ok, see you in a minute.” She puts the phone back into her pocket. “Sorry it was Raven, she got the wrong block so she’s heading over now.” 

__

This is it. Their last few minutes before they say goodbye for good. 

__

They both stand up and dust themselves off. 

__

“Thank you for tonight. I know it may not seem it with how deep our conversations got, but I feel better.” She laughs nervously. 

__

“No problem” Lexa puts her hands in her pockets as she feels the world crumbling around her. 

__

“I know you said about talking but can I be honest with you?” 

__

Lexa nods. 

__

“I’m scared.” Clarke blurts out. 

__

“The doctors have told me the more I associate myself with familiar things, the better chance I have of gaining things back. But I’m too scared to. I don’t know what things it is I may remember, or even if the things I do are enough of anything to make sense and just leave me with more questions. I’m scared I’ll remember things that hurt. I’m scared to remember my dad and have to grieve him all over again. I’m scared of the idea of a lot of things to remember, even past relationships. I know they hide things from me, I’m not as oblivious for a woman with no memory than they’d like me to be and it scares me because it makes me wonder why they don’t.” 

__

Lexa looks down guiltily but doesn’t miss the way Clarke's eyes have glistened over. 

__

“The more I talk to them about things, the more they lie and worry and get upset, and I guess they miss me you know. They want me back, I know that, but I’m not ready to go back yet.” She sticks her own hands in her pockets nervously. 

__

“I feel so horrible for saying it, but I feel so suffocated around everyone, like some sort of robot they are trying to programme to only remember and be who they choose for me. They want me to try harder or go to places I used to visit. My mom wants me to start studying again. God if she knew I was coming here she’d put a stop to it and have surveillance on or something.” 

__

Lexa doesn’t doubt that for a second. 

__

“But I need space, being in a room full of people who are supposed to be your best friends and family and being so out of sync with them and miss stepping on the rhythm we’re all supposed to have, is such a fucking lonely feeling.” 

__

Lexa keeps herself rooted to the ground as she resists the urge to comfort Clarke again. Never did she consider Clarke feeling lonely when she knew so many people loved her. She hadn’t thought about how she’d have to watch those around her when they may talk about old times and not having any recollection of it, inside jokes she fails to pick up on and everything else in between. She certainly hadn’t considered Clarke purposefully trying to sabotage her own memory. 

__

“Well anyway, I guess the purpose of what I wanted to say before I went a little off is, I don’t feel lonely when I’m with you.” 

__

Lexa feels a bomb explode in her chest. 

__

“You don’t talk about all these things that I can’t keep up with, or that I don’t remember. I mean you don’t talk much at all but still.” She smiles weakly. “I feel like I can breathe with you, even when we practically spend our time in silence, it just helps me to know I have someone there sharing the silence with me. And if I do talk, you listen with no expectations or disappointment as though you’re already expecting me to feel or act otherwise.” 

__

Lexa’s 99% sure more tears are falling again. 

__

“God I’m sorry, it’s been super deep tonight huh” Clarke wipes her eyes with her sleeves and sniffles a little. “Guess this is what alcohol does to me huh?” She lets out a pathetic laugh nervously then appears to go a little shy. “But I will take your advice and talk to them eventually about how I feel and how I’m scared. I’ll try better to remember and become ‘me’ again, but for now. I really need and would also just like to continue living in this little world I have outside of it. The one where I have space and silence where I can breathe and just be the Clarke who I need to be for now in, the space that I so happen to share with you.” 

__

Lexa finds herself in real danger of being drawn to Clarke again to comfort the woman as the words settle heavily on the ground between them. The meaning of them to Lexa heavy with gravity, sucking in on themselves ripping open a black hole that threatens to suck them both into an infinite abyss of nothing. She takes a step back from Clarke to create distance between them. The air is too thick. 

__

_Tonight is goodbye._

__

She hears the roll of a car in the distance that she suspects is Raven. 

__

Times up. 

__

**_No Lexa, you can’t do this. Don’t leave her like this._**

__

**It has to be this way, its gone too far.**

__

_**She’s not ready Lexa, she just told you she’s not ready for people to be all over her. It’s exactly what they will do if Raven sees you.**_

__

**How much longer? How much longer can this possibly go on for? You’ll hurt her.**

__

**_She’s already hurting! She just needs time, a place she can escape and an ear who will listen._ **

__

**Can you imagine what she’d say if she knew? This is lying, it’s stupidity.**

__

Lexa sees as the car lights reflect from store windows as it readies to turn the corner. 

__

“Alex? Are you ok?” 

__

**_She doesn’t have to know. Lexa may have hurt her, but she doesn’t know Lexa, she knows Alex, it doesn’t have to be forever. Just until she gets through whatever it is she’s going through at the minute._**

__

Lexa sees the bonnet of the car as it rounds the corner at the top of the street. 

__

**Stay Lexa. Put an end to this.**

__

**_Go! Don’t you dare leave her when she needs you. Don’t you dare force her into what she’s not ready to face._ **

__

Lexa covers her ears and clenches her eyes shut as the voices in her head scream over each other. 

__

“Alex?” She feels a pair of hands place over the top of hers and gently pries her hands away. 

__

It’s then, as her skin basks in a warmth that only Clarke had given her that one voice in particular replays in her head and drowns out the rest. 

__

_‘I don’t feel lonely when I’m with you’_

__

Lexa's eyes fly open as adrenaline pumps through her veins. She see’s how close Ravens car is but knows she’s still hidden by Clarke still stood in front of her. 

__

She makes her mind up. 

__

“I’m ok, I’ll see you soon.” 

__

“Wait” She doesn’t. She runs off and ducks straight into a side alley just in time to hear Ravens car pull to a stop. 

__

She hears a car door open and closes before the car pulls off, the sound growing further into the distance until she hears it finally turn the corner. She starts on her way back home, her mind still in shock over the whole night's events. 

__

It as she’s wrapped in silence again and the adrenaline wears off her legs grow weak and she falls to the floor. 

__

“Clarke” She whispers. 

__

_**What have you done?** _

__

_‘I’m too scared’_

__

_‘I’m not ready to go back yet’_

__

_‘ I feel so suffocated’_

__

_‘I need space’_

__

_‘I don’t feel lonely when I’m with you.’_

__

“I don’t know what else to do” She cries. “I don’t have the strength to leave you alone Clarke.” 

__

She looks up and again speaks out in vain. “Please” She begs. “Help me.” 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little curious. 
> 
> I know you guys don't know what happened yet for Clarke to leave Lexa.
> 
> Though I am hoping by now you have the impression she did something to hurt Clarke. 
> 
> Does anyone actually think what Lexa is doing by lying to Clarke at the minute wrong? Or do you think given the circumstances, she's doing the right thing?


End file.
